birthday blog as expected…

it’s my birthday and i’ll cry if i want to.  just kidding.  i don’t feel like crying.  feeling a deep sense of honor for this life of being michelle…and feeling this life of being michelle like a costume i am wearing, that i chose from another dimension…and feeling that other dimension as my home…and feeling alcyone pour into my bones…and feeling that since it’s my birthday i will get as woo as i want to, woo as i want to, you’d get woo too if you stepped in these shoes.  da da da dada.  usually i loathe fifties music, and now a fifties song is stuck in my head.  for as much as i loathe the fifties is some person loathing the woo i am rooted in.  we all have our experiences.  and we all get chafed by experiences.  we all have a dog in us, sniffing the seat of others, immediately liking or not liking what we smell.  it’s all about smell in this realm.  i don’t wanna waste my life force.  dreamed last night, that me and archy turned showers on (each had our own bathroom) and then came back to the living room to talk, forgetting…until i remembered and freaked out about it.  water.  it’s all about water.  water is life force as feeling.  don’t wanna waste my life force as feeling.  watching npr tiny desk concert, diane coffee.  the lead singer for sure, not wasting his water energy.  that man lets it all pour out, expresses with fierce passion, insight, celebration of life.  feeling rebellious over the tepid and democratic air, morphing passion into psychological theories, smudging out the life force with the intellect.  no more!  i am gonna let it out, in my writing and painting, and hopefully soon, with my love, where we both can let go and indulge the fantastic illusion of being human and alive for one time only as us!  i feel like a marching band!  i feel like a lily.  softly sitting on gentle water.  a pond.  waiting.  for something to appear in the external dream, that tells me to stay or go.  go where?  portland?  north bend?  bainbridge?  leschi?  another place farther away?  same ole churning and turning while in this limbo state.  sea turtle here, a water creature, old and wise, to keep me grounded until the external key appears.  magnetizing.  humming the songs.  chanting the names of goddessgodallthatissourceonessnessspirittheinfinite with my breath.  yoga or jog this morning, what’s best?  looks like it might rain.  the grey against blue of the sky this morning is like my heart this morning, a mixture of feelings.  not sad but…used to solitude.  not exuberant…but deeply grateful.  i don’t feel like it’s my special day per se, but forcing myself to honor it, and not be my usual snarky self who rebels against set holidays and forced incantations of celebration.  being my own other, i say to myself, “michelle, quit your compulsive rebellion and have a birthday.”  drinking an ipa and eating nachos in eastlake with nar, talking out the part we can see within one another but in different forms.  mirrors of slightly different shapes.  she don’t want to be too critical, i want to be more discerning.  finding the middle with two magical horns bursting from the third eye, but made of bone.  no throne or grave.  water as the life force is free to express all the way, it’s only mind, life force as air, that must stare into a storm until the eye is found…and stare into the eye, until the thoughts have calmed down.  swishing coconut oil in the mouth, life force as earth, taking care of this form.  craving to do yoga, life force as fire, the will connecting to the form, alchemy.   loving my home yoga practice to a video.   i need to reach overhead, look up, and put my palms together, to feel my heart open.  reach over head!  look, over there, an eagle on the horizon!  suddenly feeling like a sailor!  imagination and reality become one thread, sewing this sweet, magical, and bitter life into a tapestry that will live on, on the internet after i am dead.  enough said.  poetry slithering into morning practice.  from water, to air, to fire, to earth.  happy birthday.  here is to another…