dream of the teen and purpose in the water….

last night i dreamed a prize.  in the dream i received not only the character for my book, but also, water let me know that she was going to write it.  i also dreamed of how.  in the dream, my friends (who are now much older, don’t party, live in portland and are “settled down-ish) all go out to this one club at night (like we did on the weekend in high school).  i am going with them, but to a place next door, where i will write between like midnight and two am, while they hang out at the club, which is on the water.  we live about half hour drive from the water, and all gather at this diner first.  in the dream i say it is water writing the book.  there was much more to it.  such as, deciding to take a nap at 11 pm, and sleeping through the entire night, pissed off at myself.  also liking this guy so much, and telling him i love the way his face gets when i overwhelm him, which is what i do to him.  in the dream i was perfectly comfortable to be an overwhelming intense person, even though it scared the crap out of the guy i wanted.  not insecure at all.  i awoke feeling like i had wont the lottery!  now i know, it is water doing the writing, and i know what the character is like.  i knew about the water part before, just on intuition, but i forgot, or let it go.  so i keep thinking this morning, do i need to move near the water?  and if so, is there water near nightlife where i can write?  what body of water, and what kind of night life?  it just feels so damn literal, or some of it anyways.  lots of deciphering to do.  i need to understand more.  i know the reason my brain opened up to receive this special dream is because i rested hard all day and night yesterday.  resting prepared for it, as stillness and silence is a key.  the other interesting thing is, writing at night.  am i changing to a night person now?  could be.  there is much to understand.  i guess what needs to be kept valuable is: water writing it, living near water, having good friends who are engaged in the passion of life near me, writing at night, a teenage character…and drawing upon my teenage self perhaps.  who was i then?  rebellious, tortured, compulsive, creative, and i felt isolated from everyone else.  that’s the thing.  in the dream, instead of feeling isolated, i wrote happily.  i think my impetus to be a writer must stem from this, psychologically.  not one to participate in anything group, i would rather observe humanity and write, cause i never felt like i fit in.  maybe the writer is a positive transfiguration of that isolated teen.  i don’t miss those years, they were painful for me.  but i miss parts of myself.  i miss how poetic i felt and how prolifically i wrote.  maybe that’s why i was mad at myself for oversleeping in the dream.  that’s me now, as an adult, over thinking about success, where as a teen, i wrote for the sheer need to write, awake and alive.  i also miss the way virginia felt.  not the people, who plagued me with their conservative, judgmental, closed minded ways.  but the actual land.  god i love that land.  there was a seriousness to it, a poetry to it, like mark twain or emerson, a richness of thought and compassion.  here in seattle, in the west, there is much more levity, spaciness, softness, cosmic energy….i like that too.  i like it all.  variety is a need for me.  point being, the dream was trying to show me what i need to bring back from the past to fulfill the future.  in the dream, i was committed to this book like it was my entire life.  that’s how i felt when i wrote my first book too.  does not matter how well received it was by others.  i am used to being overlooked, outcasted, blah blah blah, it’s a theme of this michelle narrative, no biggie.  my purpose is what it is and no narrative is gonna change it.  to be a record keeper on earth before i die.  i don’t reject the materialistic world but i am not a materialist.  i knew this as a teenager, before my spiritual awakening.  my spirituality is my creativity.  awakening to deeper levels of awareness, love, wisdom, and truth have not turned me into somebody else, but turned me more into myself.  spiritual practice is like showering or working out, it’s upkeep, not purpose.  it upkeeps my soul so i keep living the purpose.  a one track agenda facing obstacles before death.  stay awake, me!   i feel so loved and care taken right now, just from that one dream.  not hanging on a ledge trying to hear what the goddess is telling me through high winds, wondering if i am gonna slip and fall again.  but instead, swaddled by the powerful sea and given a deep sense of clarity.  thank you, dreams.  thank you, life.