all of this creature me….

grey slippery sky this morning.  feel pretty clear inside and blanketed by its magic.  may not know if it’s portland or seattle i will make home, but what i got is that it’s time to follow love, in the form of personal relationships.  being a spiritual mother will never change, but it’s taken me the last decade to not over extend, lose myself in the job, getting my energy drained.  it takes two to make a thing go wrong.  always.  just like it’s taken me years, up until just a few months ago, to not go after the man who gives me crumbs and withholds.  it was me allowing it.  doing things different is hard.  i don’t speak the truth, but instead speak words that will protect me, and withhold.  with work, i bluntly say i am not on duty.  or cut the time right at 30 minutes and return to being a regular person.  i don’t fantasize anymore.  and my very fear has come true.  i feared that if i did not foster the crumb giving connections, or give myself completely to others as a healer, i would wind up alone.  and guess what…i did!  but it’s not the type of alone i feared.  it’s not forever alone.  just a period of time alone.  been in these periods before, but did not change my behavior, so when i entered people again, same pattern happened.  at least with the men.  i did learn, as a healer, how to be a spiritual father alongside being a spiritual mom, and this transformed the entire situation, along with gaining more self love.  so i guess now… i am learning how to be a male lover.  men are good at with-holding and not sharing how they really feel.  they are great at being self absorbed too, and not considering the feelings of the other.  i am only mirroring the same behavior, to those who mirror it to me.  i am giving exactly what i receive to a t.  it’s a strict protocol, to help me stop rationalizing the crumb giver.  for you see, deep down, i must fear intimacy, hence, if i draw to me crumb givers, i never have to be close with a man sexually.  in truth, rationalizing the crumb giver’s behavior is just my way of continuing to avoid real intimacy.  cause real intimacy is not being in a relationship.  you can be married for decades and be only slightly intimate with somebody, or you can be with somebody for one night, and experience deep intimacy.  it’s not about time or labels… it’s about transparency, honesty, being yourself, sharing your body, heart, mind, soul, feeling safe, loved and close, giving and receiving equally.  this is what i want, and the contrast of not experiencing it, shows me my desire.  thank you, contrast.  i always try to make connections happen too.  the initiator.  stopping that as well.  this time, i am the magnet, not the rushing wave gushing into the morphogenic field of him, pouring my magic into his fearful heart.  none of my tricks. coming out of the ashram means being accountable for my creations and coming into balance.  walking into fear.  two open hearts willing to be vulnerable, puts me in the clear to dive and thrive.  willing to unveil the healer role and just be the woman with all her moods, the dork, the comedian, the shy girl with a sensitive heart, the sassy extrovert who gets her knees covered with dirt, the punk rocker, the introvert diving into the blues to pull out a painting or two, the existentialist over thinking, the mystic who travels the dimensions, and the record keeper intent on writing down the truth.  all of that stuff.   all of this me creature, alive for one time only.