…too filled with sentiment…

must be the moon in aries.  i feel like a child.  that intensity.  being around a child that reminds me of me.  making little videos with her, loving it even though i was hungover.  one of those rare nights, so it was worth it.  so much love and affection.  my heart is filled.  i wish i woulda seen a few people i didn’t, i miss them.  and i had a profound insight about my year here that changed the way i thought about it completely.  that, when i lived here last, my will was weak, i had no resolve, and no ability to work or build.  i was becoming like moss, a slow giving up at turtle speed.  healed a lot though, at the same time.  let go of a lot, which was needed in order for me to grow.  but also, i stagnated, because i did not really love enough of myself yet.  was just feeling unconditional love for the first time, very new to it, so still being a masochist often.  romanticizing it too, giving the toothy creature its food to stay alive.  the works.  and that’s why the year was the way it was.  not because portland is “not meant for me.”  was remembering today, as we drove by the old theater, about the first friend i saw when i first got here, and he said to me on the first night, “michelle, ask not what portland can do for you, ask what you can do for portland.”  those words stuck.  a few weeks later as i was walking into a cafe for the first time, living in a hood where i knew nobody and nobody knew me….a homeless man standing next to the entrance spoke my name out loud to me.  i looked at him dumbfounded, asked how he knew my name.  he said god told him.  it was one of those, “and the role of god will now be played by the homeless man on the street.” moments.  we got to talking and brainstormed this idea of me doing a photography book along with each person’s stories of the homeless on his street.  a beautiful vision we both felt would return dignity to those who have lost their homes.  i never worked on that book…and in retrospect…i see how that man playing the role of god, was handing me an opportunity, to give to portland…to do for portland, instead of focusing on what it can do for me.   i wasn’t strong, dedicated,  or loving myself enough at the time, to fulfill the promise of that sacred opportunity.   bummer, yes.  feel it, let it go.  the important part is how this realization and new perception brought me great relief today.  because i understood, that it’s not that portland is wrong for me, it’s that portland taught me a hard lesson, and one i did not even understand until 7 years after i left.  now that i see it, i see it play out on all levels inside of me with how i make my choices too.  how to reprogram the masochist, episode one of the yinny and yanny show.  waking up to being love.  oh, here i go, getting ungrounded again, that’s happened all week.  imagination like a rocket ship.  soil soil, come into thee….good night portland.  see you next visit.