i love portland. why don’t i move back? should i? round and round and round and round i go. sentimental heart on overflow. starving out negative forces which are not real, just etheric delusions playing on a movie reel. sitting on the blue couch outside in the cold, underneath a tattered blanket, candles lit, the yinny and yanny show. wondering how to paint the sky. planning out the seasons. the land owner and the shaman. family. sitting outside at night in the yard, a treat. i mean, a real treat! i love it so much it hurts to be doing it, says she, having lived too long in apartments. nothing like the happiness of a yard. such a quiet night’s sleep i did not have to wear my headphones and listen to asmr. woke up serene. a child’s dream. coming out the body and wandering into the unseen. what love have i been avoiding due to childhood programming? what love really would make me happy? seeing the glamory for what it really is. underneath a faceless mouth wanting me to believe in the glamory so it can stay alive. nope. what love will really make me happy? repeat, how to bring the real into the body. bring it. more and more and more more. awareness is a sword. the end.