rolling down the road, underworld, soul…

on the bolt bus heading south.  people are chatting and coughing and the bus is full and it makes me feel how we are all a bunch of snotty self obsessed animals.  there’s anger in my heart cause i just saw this facebook post about monkeys dying off due to the large production of palm oil.  why?  why are we living in such cognitive dissonance?  i know why.  why is not the thing.  acceptance of the pain.  feeling beyond the pain.  to the love.  train the mind to focus on love, focus on love.  what is one small step i can take?  stop buying products with palm oil.  while i go ahead and use a ton of other non-sustainable fucking up the planet and enslaving humanity products.  ok, so i am entrenched in it.  not going to use the truth that this reality is an illusion, to gloss over the pain and confusion.  just feel it. and know, i can either move forward or back.  i choose forward.  laying in the steaming sea salt bath spiked with geranium this morning, calling out to my elephant man.  remove the obstacles.  another sleepless night.  jeez, of course, right?  have a wonderful sinking into thoughtless truth one day, and a terrible sinking into reactive emotions the next.  this is alchemy.  non-afflcition through the opposites.  there’s enough space to contain it all.  send violet light to the coughing animals.  let’s talk about something else.  sex.  i have become a new person.  i cannot even imagine having sex recreationally, casually, or just for pleasure anymore.  not judging that path, it’s just not for me.  i can only form a sacred bond with one man before i have sex.  this has nothing to do with morality, and everything to do with energy.  i only want one man’s energy.  my equal.  before this new me, i was always open to the variety of ways to engage in this animal activity, and although always picky, not closed off to different ways of mingling.  now, i just can’t.  something switched inside.  i don’t even mind or care.  people ask me how i can go so long without sex…as i will go months or years.  it’s not hard for me.  there’s longing and desire, sure, but it’s not that big of a deal.  feeling very independent recently.  i see all of my friends go through so much trouble in their unions, and i actually feel relieved to not have to deal with it.  figures.  the moment i realize in my heart, how i avoid intimacy, is the same moment, i don’t mind if i don’t have it.  laughing with the universe.  not that i don’t want true love.  i do.  it’s beyond want.  true love is a calling in my soul.  but until him, i am totally fine as a single person.  the need for partnership just for the sake of partnership, has evaporated.  i wonder if and when it will return?  meanwhile, i will thoroughly enjoy being the lady of the lake.  sun goes into scorpio today.  my time.  many dread walking into the underworld, but i love it.  i feel safe among the shadows.  this time around, hades is not a man who loves me selfishly.  he’s not the man who took my innocence.  he’s not the man who did anything to me.  i look to his throne, and i see myself.  ready to take a more honest look.  the wheel of fate is inside my very soul.  what is my very soul?  it’s a fractal of light shooting off from the whole, wanting to experience individuation and attachment, creating karma with other fractals of light being individuals.  these relationships we form are the theater of oneness, and not to be dismissed or avoided.  i know, i say back to that inner voice.  i understand the honey we swim in, my need for space in it, and my willingness to get sticky.  this is what i am looking at.  and then i stop looking.  the bus rolls down the highway.  the passengers all fetuses inside a metal womb.  nobody really ever grows up, we just get closer to the tomb…which in reality, is our chrysalis.  two more hours to go.  i don’t know what else to say about this, so i guess i will go…