your soul is….

went on an online dating site date last night.  had been many moons since the last one.  wasn’t attracted, but we had good conversation, he was really kind, and i put myself out there.  (pat on back).  i really loathe online dating because it makes me so nervous.  the expectations.  the projections.  and the fact that i wont know if i feel it, until i meet them, i.e: smell them.  then i will know in a split second.  and then once i know i am not feeling it, i still gotta commit to spending time with them, until i am ready to say, “i am not feeling it.”  or until they say it to me.  if he is direct too.  though i have been lucky because the last few dates have been enjoyable and friendly, despite not feeling it, and we got to vent about the perils of online dating.  it’s interesting how in one sniff, i know everything.   their soul, their mind, their heart.  maybe it’s my super hero power.  i read smells.  i read cards and charts.  i read souls.  call one eight hundred read me.  i don’t feel hopeless or even depressed about finding my partner right now.  feeling very hopeful and excited actually.  suppose i am sniffing him in the etheric winds.  he’s close.  can i let go of doubt?  can my will be strong enough to do what i set out to do?  i must walk into the desires, not avoid them.  it’s a lot of hard work.  i am used the hard work now after beginning my buddhist-ish training five years ago.  first i could watch the thoughts and not feel myself in them.  then i could accomplish goals i set out to do.  now i am beginning to be able to watch the emotions pass through, without reacting to them.  the progress is happening slow but sure.  happiness comes through for no reason in spurts.  and self love is finally evident.  it’s interesting.  what has not happened yet, is i have not walked into my world desires.  why?  it’s so complex how i have gotten in my own way.   i see how lack of self love is the biggest culprit.  but there’s another aspect too.  guilt.  why should i be happy when so many suffer?  this one is just as powerfully hypnotic as the lack of self love.  to allow myself to live my life with blessings, when so many people don’t have enough.  even if intellectually i know how much more i have to give and help, if i myself am taken care of first, my heart still clings to this feeling inside, this resistance to my own happiness, that i am going to observe.  radical acceptance to bring on letting go.  was looking at my vedic traits this morning and one of them says i am delicate and a late bloomer.  i feel this.  everything harsh in the world tail spins me.  i also feel like i am 20 not 42.  well, on some levels.  i do feel in a way like a flower.  easily killed.  i am not strong in the sense of having a thick skin or being able to handle a lot of harshness or intensity with the world.  but i am strong in loving, listening, empathizing, caring.  we all have our strengths and weaknesses.  strong in the thick skin way people like to tell me, “if you had to, you would develop the strength.”  but i don’t believe this.  i believe they are projecting their strength onto me.  if i told them to become strong in my ways, they would struggle too.  i mean, yes we can get stronger in areas we are weak.  i have faced hard things in the world and conquered them so to speak.  and worldly strong types can become stronger at being sensitive and empathic.  all i mean to say is, we are specialized for a reason, and i am more of a fan of celebrating differences and honoring distinctions.  how boring and lackluster life would be if we all were the same.  weaknesses and strengths make us unique and also make us symbiotic, needing one another…which is the trick of oneness becoming the many, reminding itself as an individual of the many, that it is oneness at the core, during its time spent in the illusion.  also, not everybody is able to handle this world.  i have great compassion for these souls.  i used to be one of them.  i transformed out of my will to die, but i’ve been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.  and hence, i will always validate them.  i am not a tough love type.  softness is my way, through and through.  reflections on identity this morning.  i know there’s the whole “wash yourself clean of yourself” (rumi) aspect of identity.  true.  yet there is also the temperament which i am just as fervent about highlighting.  think of a litter of pups. each pup has their emotional temperament.  they are meant to be that way.  as humans we can do work on ourselves, healing the bloodline, transforming traits that are karmic or passed down through the ancestry.  oh boy, there’s a lot of that work to do in my family and in my karma.  and then…there is also the more mysterious temperament, called the soul, which i detect and honor in everybody.  be your soul.  love your soul.  live your soul.  all the self work is a system of peeling back the layers to get to the soul, so that it may shine in the world like a jewel and a lotus.  everything i write stems from this desire to see this happen with every human being on earth.  to initiate the soul into human rights.  (that was a weird sentence….)