soul alchemy morning…

shamelessly watched an entire season of “red oaks” on amazon last night, hooked from the first episode.  yes, that’s about five hours of television on my laptop, watched while sitting at my desk doing my best to suck in the tummy, and have good posture.  now if i can get my writing stamina up to five hours again, or longer, verses a measly two.  my body is trained for it.  the show is another original amazon show, and boy do they have good writers.  was as hooked as when i watched “transparent”.  writing television is an entirely different beast i would love to tame.  anyhow, it was fun.  this whole past week i have not wanted to go out at all.  some weeks are like that.  the world feels too harsh.  but maybe i am swaddling myself a little bit, making extra sure i see my mind and don’t dip into it, thinking it’s really me.  mini-ashram.  right now my mind continues to be a tennis match between ego and soul.  ego of course, does not trust and thinks soul is crazy and doing everything wrong.  soul hits the ball back to ego saying, i am not playing anybody in this tennis match.  this tennis match is an illusion.  just a story.  love is all there is.  it’s a pretty ridiculous match.  ego believes soul is the threat and soul doesn’t believe ego exists.  welcome to alchemy.  listening to kd’s podcast yesterday, comforting me back to remembering i don’t need to pay too much attention to my thoughts and emotions.  just let both roll on through like weather.  there’s a deeper level beneath.  a feeling from soul.  i am letting this deeper soul feeling be my guide though life, having no idea if i am wrong or right, no validation from the outside world, and no guarantee.  it’s scary.  oh well.  i figure i will die one way or the other, and better to die a sweet taste on the lips of life, than the taste of regret.  i guess i realize my values by saying that.  sometimes blogging is hard cause i feel my mind being my mind.  but that’s just the disclaimer.  all blogs are mind being the mind.  to know the real michelle, feel her breath.  or tap in to her telepathically, she’s pretty good at picking up on that.  it’s weird that thoughts are not our own.  i am feeling that more lately.  it feels like my feelings draw them to me and shape them like a sculptor.  my feelings feel like my own on an animal level.  produced by having a body.  but the thoughts, they come from some place outside of me.  or within me from another place.  whichever.   i am dissecting.  in the surgery room, looking at each distinct aspect of being human, pulling it apart and observing it and placing it back…distracting myself or doing research.  feeling like a loose wire plug looking for my plug outlet, as a human.  but as a soul, feeling firmly rooted in the divine flow.  why the stark difference?  what am i not getting?  oh thoughts.  of course you’re telling me i am not getting.  you always tell me that.  you’ve been telling me that since i was a little girl.  funny but not true.  i am gonna hold me tight, sing the names, and absorb the illusion back into love, with all this animal might….