for real no edit major spew to avoid the abyss…

another two blogs in one day, day.  i thought about doing a blue jay poem but feeling too sloppy for that right now.  blog is always the place that doesn’t try to be anything, and it comforts me.  knowing random people read this, and close people, makes me feel warm inside.  i am one of those online expressing people, a plus for severe introverts.  notice how i labeled myself twice in that last sentence?  it’s all bull you know.  but i gotta put my hours in at the labeling factory, and keep my dreams two steps ahead of me always, so that i can keep validating how crappy i am or life is.  just kidding.  i wish we could all spit up our stories like infants do after they’ve fed from the boob.  but i guess our stories are not coming from the boob of life, so that’s why we aren’t spitting them up.  our stories of pain come from the boob starvation unit, where if we are good boys and girls, some robot metal boob drops just a few drops in one of our good moments.  this teaches us to be bad and then we gorge on the fake milk to try to fill up on the love we did not get and don’t know what is.   when kd went to see baba, he felt it and understood it, even if he then attached it outside of himself for so many years.  it’s a step.  subsequently i got there through kd, streaming baba live, right into me, through his voice.  and i too have attached to his body.  the same.  simpatico but a different version of the story.  love revive.  love revive.  getting out of my own way on the inside.  brick by brick.  so much work.  but also, spiced with bliss.  and beautiful longing.  and a kind of sorrow that brings justice the whole thing that can never be explained.  my heart is bursting like juicy fruit gum.  but nothing is happening.  then, my heart goes flat like dr. pepper sitting under a muggy sun.  left by a child’s hand.  you know how there’s 50 ways to leave your lover?  there’s also 50 ways to feel emotions.  each one is a jewel.  amethyst devotion.  garnet perseverance.  emotions.  responding to this illusion.  doing the best we can.  learning that when we didn’t do the best, how we punished ourselves.  forgiving that cause truly, it’s not a big deal.  but it is.  yet it’s not.  both.  always both.  shadow and light make love to become the color tv.  sun and moon do a dance of passing light back and forth.  who started it?  sun says, “don’t think it’s me just cause it appears that i am radiating, foolish heart.” and moon replies, “who said i thought it was you just cause i am the one doing the devoting.”  i don’t know what i am saying.  finally, i have reached the point i crave.  non sensical.  how long can i be here and sustain this?  i need a long practice.  i need a more structured practice.  i need some restraint.  just a little.  but the more structured practice, i need much more of.  i gotta  extend two into five.  stretch a little farther, maybe even stay up till sunrise.  i don’t know.  i gotta let go.  feeling the snake ready to shed this personality.  are you ready?  what are you ready to shed?  i wonder how vulnerable we can get?  maybe i want to be a sun for a while for change.  this way i could give in a different way.  what’s a different way you could give?  i remember how i used to always be the mom to everyone.  then i was done.  i left community to go be alone, and when i returned i was the father.  been still in that father role for some time.  the shit cutting, logical, this is the practical reality of it, helper.  i wonder, if i am now ready to shed both isis and osiris now.  maybe now it’s time to become horus the helper?  what’s this all about horus?  who are you?  are you coming to be now?  i better end this blog.  i want so much to post it without any re-read edits.  i usually edit it about two or three times until i post it, then i edit like five more times after i post if.  if you ready my blogs in your email, you see an ancient version of it.  i have to post it in order to finish editing it.  i happen to be an editing junkie.  my grammar and writing style so intentional it borders on obsessive.  maybe that’s why i wanna let go a little.

Maybe use capitols.

And create paragraphs.

The possibilities are endless.

In the name of newness, i promise to post this with no re-read or edit.  i know you guys don’t care about all that.  it’s more for me, about a courage thing…and letting things be messy and off…

cause they are that too.  right along side being perfect.  the atlanteans alongside the mu.  me alongside you.  on and on….