libra new moon rambling run on….

last night was the new moon in libra, which is my moon, although i did not particularly feel its specialness due to kinship with it, and certainly did not feel like being with anybody, which is very anti-libra moon, so it was weird, just like this run on sentence.  after a long inspiring metaphysical convo with a friend who is also my reiki healer, all i wanted to do was go home and be a hermit.  i had a date with myself for the new moon.  romantic all the way, which i suppose it very libra moon.  red wine and fancy cheese for a special romantic new moon dinner (yum), music, painting, spontaneous ritual, and ending the night with a marilyn monroe movie, cause i just love her and old movies.  of course i ate too much cheese, should not have bought that espresso one.  oh well, blame it on the moon, use it to paint, and out came this funny weird advertisement painting about love, as i let go of thinking about what i was painting and indulged in a “jesus and mary chain” song.  my joy is found in exactly that moment.  painting without thinking, while listening to soul shaking music.  do you know what your joy is?  writing is not joyful for me.  it’s something i have to do or i will die.  if i don’t paint i will die too but it’s different.  non-linear color and and letting my imagination be that free…it’s happiness.  deep inside of this me thing, is a very wild energy.  not earthy wild, like, i don’t want to swing on vines and “go back to nature” or anything.  more like, spiritual wild.  and by spiritual i don’t mean monk or ashram or god or anything.  i mean, i feel this wild creative imaginative spirit inside, free of all rules and linear time, free of the laws of nature, so open, and with a constant longing to create.  this is my spirituality.  to create.  not to be subject to rigid or fixed ideas.  not to be trapped by time and space.  not to be ensnared by the confines of the human race (though i love us).  ah, but thank goodness for my libra moon, always seeking balance.  otherwise i might be dead by now from being too free, if you know what i mean.  not that death is a bad thing but it’s just not my path to die a reckless young death.  balance is found in daily exercise, which i turn into mediation at the same time.  it is found in structure with meals, with writing, and even with mentalizing.  like, every thought i have is balanced with another thought.  that’s libra at its best.  seeing both sides, being diplomatic, objective, and open to all possibilities, which brings harmony.  lower libra is quite a different story.  lower libra is very self concerned about getting only what she wants, and will twist truth to form to her fixed idea of what should happen or what is.  it’s very manipulative really.  a lower libra cannot handle the real truth, because he’s so intent on the truth he needs to tell himself to get by in life, or get what he wants, that if you bring up a more objective truth than his very emotionally attached subjective version, he might have a nervous breakdown.  all versions of libra are very mental.  what they think is their anchor.   it can get pretty intense to steep in that libra shadow.  in my youth i exemplified it.  not any longer.  i can see myself, others, their and my choices objectively, face the fear of not getting what i want, or to put it more libran, i can face the loss of harmony.  i guess it’s the scorpio in me that says, “give it to me without sugar.”  no longer do i expect anybody to be anything for me, or for life to give me what i want, or for any of my dreams to come true.  at the same time, in libran objectivity, i work to make my dreams happen, and i allow myself to indulge in my romantic notions too.  this is a lesson for everybody, as everybody is really all of the signs.  can you pursue your desires while letting them go at the same time?  can you be subjective and objective at the same time?  am i really on top of this, myself?  cause meanwhile, last night, i dreamed of being rejected and angry at my rejectors all night long.  just goes to show, my philosophical fever this morning might be springing up from insecurities.  that’s how it goes.  truth is the hero to my feelings, and philosophy is a refuge…in waking life.  yet in dreams i can let out the animal feelings, free of the truth.  balance, right?  let out the subjective cries to the moon in a safe environment, like dreams.  let out the wild spirit in a realistic environment, like the canvas.  etc.  gosh golly, i am acting like i have it all figured out.  i don’t, of course.  all i am doing is organizing information and streamlining my passionate heart into a workable human life.  at least for this moment in time….