monday’s aftermath from intense dreaming…

more intense dreams and long sleeping.  a baby with expressions of love that won me over and care taking her in the hospital with some friends cause her mom was so ill they thought she might die.  feeling very drawn to make sure the baby grows into a healthy person so much, that if the mom died, i would become her mom.  driving again, through ice and snow, scared.  and other stuff i can’t recall.  what’s the deal with babies and animals this past week in dreams?  staring at the screen struggling to write.  not much in my thoughts this morning.  still in the void.  was thinking a lot last night.  how i remember the plan i made before coming here, and this solitude i am steeping in is needed, to help me remember what that plan is.  without solitude i get lost in the ego.  i get lost in general.  i am such an introvert at heart.  feels good to be back here.  change is slow but then it will come all at once.  the longing for true love is waning again.  like every vital desire coursing through this blood.  the wax and wane.  was thinking about it last night, about how i just don’t know what that love feels like.  i can feel desire sexually, or a deep connection as a friend, or i can feel a wish for true love in this head, but to really feel desire, connection, and reality all combined, i don’t know.  desires usually land in fantasy cause they are unavailable and connections usually end in friendship not moving into sexual.  always something missing or a block.  it’s much like my desire for a creative circle.  like the abstract expressionists, or the surrealists or henry miller’s pack back in the day.  a rogue group, where bohemian is not dead.  only transformed and revitalized.  true from the inside out.  no competitions  no degrees.  no dogma.  no literalness.  everything metaphor, even our skin.  imagination on fire.  aware of the illusions.  not participating or running away, but instead, giving.  truth as art.  ideals.  they can become real.  won’t look like it does in your head.  compromise and fights will happen.  impurities will get in.  for nature is both shadow and light.  woah, i just recalled another dream last night.  i was giving a lecture or speech of some sort talking about life being both shadow and light because life is nature.  something along these lines.  it was very powerful.  just like with the baby, i was very moved to get this truth across to people to help them grow.  it was all about accepting the shadow and not demonizing it through a false devil, blame, or any form of denial.  maybe the dreams spawned from getting real on the red couch at 7 pm.  spending the night in deep contemplation.  not sure what else to say this morning.  my insides are at the round table again.  in service to the blue word.  dreams held within a watery chalice in the upper world.  pour it into this soul and write it down, paint the vision, make the sounds.  devotion…