gratitude arrives in funny ways, and the mundane…

feel like i got nothing to say so perhaps i’ll just detail out moments from yesterday, going backwards.  talking to my friend on Skype over grocery store sushi and chardonnay, for four hours.  laughing.  six candles lit.  skipping the poetry book launch event.  pjs on by 6:30 pm.  we both had a case of the mundanes.  he needing alone time and me wishing for the opposite, cause we are both imbalanced in opposite ways.  grocery shopping for a few things.  writing in the cafe.  the guy next to the woman i was sitting next to, choosing the very crowded small cafe full of quiet writers, to talk to his parents on the phone.  ordering an overly priced coconut water and cold brew, yum.  typing out a tragic love story, raymond carver style, cause it’s the only piece i can write.  eating lunch in front of the computer screen.  broccoli and eggs while i type, text, and job hunt in a chair facing the mountains.  running through the city streets with headphones on.  pushing it.  putting on my sad song playlist.  using arm weights, curtain drawn.  chanting baba hanuman.  writing a moody blog.  drinking coffee and eating oatmeal.  job hunting round one.  dry brush skin.  light incense.  wake up.  dreams are negative.  holy shit.  that just reminded me of my dreams last night.  i was pregnant and had to keep it and i was so sad and tormented.  there was no man.  but there was an underworld.   not a natural underworld, the unconscious or etheric realm where denied feelings turn into entities and where the dead who cannot let go wander, along with some other beings….no…this was a physical underworld, maybe even inside the earth.  it was run by an army of alien beings who wore red and black uniforms.  they were controlling and negative, and forcing me to keep the baby.  it was my destiny according to their plan, and everything had to go according to their plan.  i wanted to terminate, it was a mistake, couldn’t remember getting pregnant, and knowing that a life as a mother was not what my heart wanted.  the whole thing felt like a trap and a deception that i was being forced to surrender to.  there was more too, cause i was taken to the underworld.  yuck.  jeez.  you know, i think i am experiencing some shadow virgo stuff here with venus going into virgo and me being deeply connected with her.  what i really want is virgo light…to eat a communal pot of mush over a bonfire with fellow tribe, singing to a guitar, feeling the beauty of life, making love at night under the stars with my soulmate, saying hello to wild animals passing by, watching the moon rise…basking in the beauty and awe of physical life.  yet here i am basking in the nightmare of it by night, while in the daytime i bask in solitude, work, and feeling incomplete.  somebody needs an attitude adjustment and i think it’s happening right now.  in one of the missed connections i read last night, a person wrote about it being important to experience being alone in the world.  i don’t think this is everybody’s cup of tea so to speak, and i am not one of those rigid types who thinks everybody needs to have the same life experiences…but i will say…that being alone in the world for all of these years, healing myself, coming to know and love myself, generating all i that need emotionally, from within… it’s made me the person i am, and i would choose this me, over a me who never experienced this, any day.  another me who got married young, or always had a partner, friends and  family around…she might be anxious, nervous, dependent, lost, lacking, and unsure.  there is a sense of wholeness that’s hard to explain in words.  like, when i go within, i find wisdom, knowing, unconditional love, and also… i can keep going…and going…and going.  within me is endless, where as outside of me only goes so far as the physical universe.  my intention is not to show off here, i just need to remember this right now, as being alone in the world gets old and becomes the stale comfort zone.  these have been sweet and powerful decades of being a mud ball becoming the pearl.  plus, i haven’t been knocked up by a crappy alien under a malevolent agenda, forcing me to have a baby i don’t want.  what a relief!