moody tattered blog…

a soft morning after a sad night.  tears for the longing.  loneliness, the basic calling, making near incomprehensible sounds.  the loud machines next door as they transform the apartment.  i actually felt a bit sad when my neighbor moved out.  i didn’t know him but he was always kind.  it shows me…how the familiar is as close to a sense of family as i get.  i don’t mean to sound dramatic.  i have family and friends.  i am not one of the truly lonely and my heart goes out to their plight.  it’s more about…living alone, spending most of my time alone, growing older, still living like i am younger and not interested anymore in the same lifestyle.  this is no new news.  just the longing for true love singing my blood, through and through.  sounds corny and embarrassing to talk about it, but i still do.  that one depeche mode lyric goes through my head, “if you catch me in a mood like this, i can be tiring, even embarrassing.”  was thinking last night, about the men i have loved, and wondering who the man i will love next will be, and if we will last a lifetime.  my intuition says yes, i will love him right into his death.  feeling this sense of gratitude for the men i have loved, as they fall from my tree of life, colorful and crisp with karmic death.  forgiveness.  acceptance.  was also thinking about how i still believe in the big love.  like charlotte from sex and the city, i am the eternal optimist.  can’t help it.  my all encompassing nature is romantic, devoted, and magical.  it just is.  no matter how much my waking life shows me a mundane, overly rational, fearful, fucked up, scared, tortured, wounded, hesitating, left brain heavy, overly judgmental, competitive, depressing, shallow western culture every day…where men only want me as a friend or a side chic, and the men who did want me all the way i have not been in love with or had to let go of due to technical difficulties….i still know this conflicted story will end, and the story of big love will begin.  i still know, till death do i part from my own skin.  who you are is the life you create, right?  well, i may be an eternal optimist, but i am no pollyanna.  i am as magical as they come, but my life can be pretty mundane.  sometimes the dominant culture has more power over the singular life then we would like.  in fact most of the time it’s like that.  lets get real.  but i find my way to deal.  by living in the imagination.  inside my paintings, stories, poems, and dreaming.  wild moments and transformative merging.  it gets tiring though, being the solo bohemian, being a strong an independent woman.  jesus, i am just fucking lonely.  not incomplete or lacking self love.  not a half.  not any of that psychobabble crap that’s real but i am so sick of adhering to.  plus, can we stop turning the negative into the positive all the time and accept the negative for what it is?  i mean, i could vomit from my culture’s knee jerk avoidance of emotional pain.  you can kill yourself at the gym, get no sleep from working a million hours a week,  be tough to the point of bleeding, and get gold stars shoved up your ass night and day….but cry for what hurts in your heart, and suddenly you are debby downer needing to turn that frown upside down, or some pariah weakling needing to pull yourself up by the bootstraps…or like, in my community of spiritual folk, in dire need of a reframe into positive thinking.  yuck.  no wonder there is so much violence in this country.  no wonder this culture is filled with self help charlatans.  nobody feels their real pain.  well,  not nobody.  that’s adolescent and reactive of me to say.   i am talking more about my generalized culture…and how emotional pain is seen as weak and often times stuffed away deep in the unconscious, while a smile and gratitude is slapped on the face.  or…even in therapeutic settings the attempt is to make pain go away.  meanwhile, denied emotions become physical ailments and cultural violence.  energy does not die, it just transfigures.  oh man, i did not want this to become a rant.  no sir.  c’mon, me…can’t i say i am lonely without diatribing into the shadow side of my culture? ( i say to myself in jest.)  i also understand the shadow side of the shadow side too.  dwelling in pain and becoming a narcissist of all that is wrong and hurts.  extremism goes both ways.  anyhow…the moods roll through this self i got, like weather.   today, slightly stormy with a chance of sun in the afternoon.  we do our best.  or not.  do you do your best?  i don’t always.  sometimes i feel like doing nothing.  being nothing.  and wanting nothing.  there’s a deep craving for the void, and to get off the wheel of karma.  the soul has cravings like the body.  flesh wants sugar, fat, sex, sun, family, and fun…while the soul wants individuation, compassion, forgiveness, nothingness, and unconditional love.  i like that.  contrast…