night in the cave back in neutral…

we are lost and found at the same time.  feeling who we are and plagued by doubt in the mind.  two wolves.  two choices.  you can get that ego hit and regret it again and again, hitting your head against endless walls of being deprived.  or you can not get the ego hit and wrestle with your wild heart, removed from false refuge, until you accidentally stumble into true refuge. because there was no other choice left and you got so tired.  it took tolstoy a long time to get out what was in his head and heart.  reading a clients chart today and really getting how powerful the south node is.  comfort from the past pulls us down, be it the good or bad kind.  the comfort of what is known, acts like a tonic for that deep feeling of isolation in the soul.  but when the heart fully blossom’s open from all the gardening you’ve done, all of life becomes familiar, and who you needed to once be, vanishes.  lofty goals.  and me being cryptic again.   mind feels fragmented.  i am sitting in a cave, wool shawl around my shoulders, four candles lit, avoiding putting the heat on.  after eating sag paneer and contemplating tonight’s clients.  always mirroring an inner conflict, cause we are all one.  when you value yourself, you don’t want crumbs anymore.  are you truly ready to let real intimacy in?  is the lack mentality really gone? if not, let go now.  you are enough, that’s all that needs to be spoken.  finding new and inventive ways to make art come alive in the moment.  can i be new?  and yet my temperament remains the same.  this permanency of temperament in all of us calls out constantly for balance.  high strung attracts go with the flow.  type b needs type a.  the desire to vent to find relief draws the desire to focus on the positive.  earth depends on the sky.  individuation must seek contrast to stay alive.  it’s so beautiful.  takes me to my knees.  lets me accept you and me and our differences at the same time.  love.  i am beginning to not feel a lack of it.  not lost.  found by an inner sense of trust.  magical connection with all that is. eroding like tibetan prayers flags in the wind.  removing the serious again and again.  killing parasites.  what the fuck is that all about?  why are we killing anything?  why is killing a part of life?  nature has many aspects. how did i get to be talking about this?