love vent…it’s gonna have to be…love vent.

good morning, blog.  think i might need a little vent this morning, as my dreams were intense and my heart is feeling edgy.  the sky is blue but dark, like there’s a shadow over it, giving me permission.  you know what sucks?  loaning two thousand dollars, cause you were naive enough to believe he’d pay you back whether you stayed together or not, or at the very least explain why he couldn’t, not ignore you.  why did you hand over three fourths of your savings, that took two years to build- the first time you ever had a savings in your life?   it’s just money, i know.  but i have so little of it, and i could really use it right now.  it sucks to shuck the rose colored glasses.  but everybody has their shadow.  mine was to blindly trust too quickly, i guess.

you know what sucks?  having to let go of a man you can’t stop thinking about, because you’re the one who feels it more or who is ready for it, or whatever the case may be, you just have to let go and admit defeat.  you are not gonna keep communicating your truth.  you’re gonna give what you receive.  nothing.  giving more to win them over, is over.  you have always been available for their needs and world.  what about yours?  only you can detect the signs of over-giving and imbalance.  it’s your job to say no and let go.  it’s all about letting go.  we all have our short comings.  some cannot communicate how they really feel.  some cannot pay back a loan.  some cannot reconcile their inner conflict.  some cannot say no.  some cannot say yes.  some are abusive, mean, and assholes at best.  at least i have avoided that.  at least all the men i have been with are beautiful souls.  and shadows are made to be ugly.

this vent really is stemming from how i feel needy right now.  there, i said it.  today i am not gonna be strong and independent, at least not till after my morning jog.  i just…could really use that money right now.  and i could really go for loving arms around me.  i could really benefit from partnership.  believe me, i know i am not a victim.  i chose.  and i did pretty good about remaining objective through all of the painful tears of letting go.  love never dies.  it changes though.  my first long term relationship is one of my good friends now.  i have made friends with a few of my exes.  but only the ones who treated with me respect.  cause you know, break ups are hard.  really grueling.  staying objective through the loss is hard.

i once did not stay objective.  true, he did not treat me with respect.  finding out about his new girlfriend on myspace, only days after i moved out (whom he met and dated while still sharing a home with me, as we were never official in words, but we acted like it in body). to add to the loss, he never shouted out about me in social media.  i guess i was just somebody to help him through a liminal time in life, not the woman of his dreams.  it’s my fault for not believing the facts, and letting him have his way.  we all have our shadows.  i could have been more graceful in reaction to his careless treatment of my heart.  usually i explain myself with reason and keep things diplomatic, no matter how sad they are.  but with this guy, i left a nasty voicemail on his machine and ignored him forever.  it’s the only time i ever acted that way.  and i don’t think i would have if he told me about her gently, in person, and kept it off social media until then.  but my dip into immature reactivity helps me to understand how hard it can be to treat the one you lose with respect, when it hurts so much to lose them.  we are all innocents!  well, not all, but the ones i run with are.  getting caught up in blame is not my style.

this is why i needed to vent.  because being single and going without any touch at all for months and often years, is hard.  edginess builds up inside. i don’t understand people who always have sex and relationships.  i mean, i understand why.  i just don’t relate.  it’s rare that a man walks into my life that i love and whom loves me back, or where there is mutual attraction and ability to express it equally.  the bulk of the time, he wants me and i don’t want him, or i want him and he does not want me, or we want one another but he’s too hurt to nurture the connection, or he wants a side chic.  we all have our shadows.  i am doing my best to be compassionate and soft, because i want to take care of my heart, and keep it flushed and ready to fall in love.  don’t want a broke down heart or a heart chalked with forty reasons about why love is shit.

then there’s the connections that are left dangling in the wind.  the last man i had feelings for is a dangler type.  it was a messy situation from the beginning.  trying to be friends mentally, but feeling more.  mutually conflicted, or me mirroring his conflict i think.  he came into my life at a time i am unsure of how to stand up for my needs and also be compassionate for his.  he has been my first attempt at being aware the entire time, of reality.  the guy who never paid me back the money, i literally fell hard for, losing all sense of reality.  i went completely love blind for him.  my friends think it’s just the idea of being in love that took me over.  no.  i would say he was the first man i ever loved that hard, that deep.  it was about him specifically, his soul.  even though i want to be in a relationship, i still know real love.  this guy had my heart, even though i was not getting a certain need met i could never live without.  took my sister and mom to help pull me away.   i understand the power of love.  it’s stronger than the power of the shadow, for me anyhow.  but no matter how intense the feeling of love, my lesson has been to make reason priority over love.  doesn’t make sense to my heart, but it does to my mind.

i know in my soul that if you give away a very essential need for a man or woman you love, you will suffer.  if i had asked him to give up an essential need he would have suffered too, and he would not have done it.  it sucks.  but there are essentials that must be met in order for two people to grow in a relationship and not suffer and be stifled.  it’s taken me a long time to understand this, but i get it now.  and at an early age, have mastered the act of letting go.  maybe mastered is a strong word, but that’s just how it feels this morning.  i feel like my entire life has been one big lesson in letting go.  i forgive every man for his shadow and me for my shadow.  i have lost opportunities, love, and money.  but i have not lost hope.  the future is wiser.  vent complete.