relationship pondering on monday…..

back to the morning time blog.  yet another blue sky.  this is not seattle.  maybe it  will change soon.  windows wide open.  either it’s warm or i am internally heated.  woke up with strange marks on my skin.  looks like a bite and yet it doesn’t.  alien abduction?  hey you never know.  all i know is, keep the boat even keeled.  equanimity.  my new practice moved from a studio filled with people to nature and solitude.  from vinyasa to jogging.  feels good.  the craving to be outside hits me hard in the mornings now.  i just want to be outside.  in the hot or cold, rain or shine.  when i am outside, i feel life loving me and me loving life.  inside, i am in my head.  more so.  as mercury retrograde is almost over, and the eclipse season, i find myself asking, “what did i learn?”  not being outcome oriented this time, as i tend to do, along with anybody i ever read for, who also rolls their eyes as the cards reflect back to them more lessons.  this time, i am surrendering to the real journey.  the soul journey.  that i am here for reasons other than what the animal wants.  to honor the patience needed to learn, heal, and grow.  this eclipse season i have learned even deeper something i have known, but known more so in my head than heart.  this time, my heart feels it, and you know, you must feel to grow, because you have to feel to let go.

so this time i really felt how i accept crumbs from men i am attracted to, if that’s all they are giving, because crumbs are better than nothing. i  also saw with my heart how i put on an act with guys i like too.  acting like i am accepting of the crumbs, and also putting on my libra moon charm and scorpio charisma, laying it on thick.  i suppose we all do this.  but it does not work for me.  and i gotta quit.  feeling very over it.  over the mating game.  over the delusions and rose colored glasses.  i want to fall in love and have that romantic beginning that leads to deeper intimacy, a fulfilling sexual compatibility, best friend and partner in crime…but i don’t want to fake my way into it or try to make it happen with a crumb giver, anymore.  it’s up to me.  being real from the beginning is the key.  i see also, how i over compensate too.  like, they are all wounded and scared and unsure with all these walls up, and they give out crumbs and hesitation as a result, and here is me on the other end, acting like i am totally fine with it, while doling out feasts to give to them, as i am a master at pleasing.  yuck.  no more.  i understand being scared and wounded, me too.  all of us really.  but there comes a time when you have to rise out of the wounded narcissism and have the courage to move forward into partnership with an open brave heart that gives.  if you don’t want to, if intimacy feels bad, then stop dating people, or stop dating the person you are throwing crumbs to.

i suppose i am an all or nothing kinda woman.  when i am in, i am in.  but i can only dive in all the way if i trust myself to climb out the moment i know it’s not right.  this is the risk.  i have plunged with the wrong men, but….it wasn’t wrong.  when she said she can’t trust herself cause she’s gotten hurt and obviously made bad choices, i told her that she can.  just because a relationship ends or is messy and hurtful, does not mean it was wrong, does not mean your instincts were off.  we are not just here to experience happily ever after.  that’s the lie.  we are here to engage in messy mistake ridden unions so that we learn how to love better.  every man i have loved, i have loved with all my heart.  and when i broke it off or he did, it’s cause it was not right to continue.  it was not a mistake.  there is only the feeling of mistake.  and this feeling is to be used to grow.  i am clear as hell what i need to learn: go ahead and dive in, but without the rose colored glasses, make sure i am receiving the feast i am giving, and be totally real from the beginning.  by doing this, he will see my shadowy side, my intensity, my moods, my strength, my weakness, flaws and all, not just the charm and magic, not only ease and grace.  if he’s being open, giving, and real, we can communicate from the beginning, being conscious of ourselves and the union.  this is the goal.  talking about everything.  being responsible for our projections.  trusting.  no more male defensiveness, cause of issues that aren’t healed…and no more female manipulation, because she is afraid of not being loved.  instead, two hearts that are ready to be close and are self aware enough to do the work.  we will create a new song.  sure i am afraid.  but fear isn’t stopping.  fear motivates.  that’s how i roll.  will let you know how it goes…