morning, blog. the sky is grey at last, but it could change to blue later. i don’t want it to. i want to be swaddled by the grey sky today. can’t recall my dreams. slept hard. went to the seattle art museum to see the impressionist tour from the national gallery of art in dc. thought i would feel nostalgia, as i grew up outside of dc, and viewed the impressionist paintings in the national gallery a ton, but when i was there last night, did not recognize a single one. stood before cezanne, van gogh, and renoir wanting to cry because i love their work, and their actual brushstrokes emanated two inches in front of my face. i also cannot explain the way i feel drawn to 19th century europe, especially paris. past life for sure. i just need to paint. walked up the hill and was gonna do a bit of writing in my usual place, but ran into somebody and got to talking for a while instead. love when synchronicity happens. it used to happen a lot more. i think i am returning to a place i had left for a while. a place much less warrior, and much more magical. the high priestess returns. he said we are all looking for home, and we are. realizing i am still anchored to my parents as home. how most people marry and have kids to create their new anchor. i don’t want to have kids, but i realize that part of my longing for a partner is to be anchored. thing is, even if i still energetically feel connected to my parents as anchor, i have lived single and alone for many years and i feel very emotionally independent, have a strong sense of self, and don’t need a man or anybody to guide my life. the energetic anchor thing is nothing more than that, a human being alive in the flesh that feels like my home. i know how life goes by now. i don’t expect anything i want to happen, but i stay in touch with my desires and value them, want to see them come into fruition, don’t really try to let them go, just loosen the grip and continue to put energy toward my bhakti heart, toward the love i am and that is. my desire for a partner as somebody i walk through life with, who is my home, is not going to change. for all the men, including one i have really loved, who think this form of dependance is unattractive or are fearful of it, there are men who want what i want too. there are those men who want to be anchored to a woman as home. i have been with a few of those men too, but it did not work out for other reasons. yet all the reasons from every guy i have been with can fall under one umbrella category: emotionally unavailable. ye old pattern. any pull toward an emotionally unavailable man, is unhealthy for me, i say to myself like a mom. i would never tell my own child to pine after a man who denies her essential needs. and after many years of growth and analysis, i know the difference between superfluous wants and essential needs. i’ve let go of the expectations and held on to the standards. romantic love is so funny, because it’s conditional. you gotta know what kind of relationship you are looking for and be realistic about it. it’s not just about love. love is not enough. that sentiment is so youthful and imbalanced and will make you wind up denying half of the truth if you are with somebody you love who cannot give you what you need in certain areas. everything in this world must be sustained through the practical building and care taking of it. if you want to write a book, you need to sit down and write and keep up with it, edit, refine, re-write, through to completion. if you want to be in shape you need to work out regularly and make it a lifestyle change for good. if you want a life long partner, you need to make yourself a lovable life long friend and lover and choose somebody looking for the same thing, where you both mesh sexually, emotionally, mentally, and for some, spiritually as well. no shoving squares into circles because you love them. no hoping that later things will change. no fantasy living. compromise is always part of it, but settling is not. compromise means not always getting your way, settling means denying an essential need. i have learned this. i feel bad about the way i have handled myself in the past too. but you know, everybody has a shadow. my shadow can turn ice cold and put on a pretend show of not caring or feeling, in order to protect my freaking out heart. my shadow can pretend everything is fine until the moment i break inside because i finally face what i have been denying, and i bolt. learning, with my saturn in gemini, to speak my conflicted truth in the moment. cause it’s often like that, a conflicted truth, where i am not clear, and i am the type who needs to talk things through to get to clarity. my shadow hides this conflicted truth and need to talk it out, behind a false sense harmony, because she’s just trying to be liked by her man, and she fears not being liked. shadows aren’t pretty. but i love my ugly shadow. oh look, this blog is turning into a therapy session. best i stop now and keep on with these thoughts in private writing world. self awareness is heightened today. right, that’s cause the moon is in gemini….