saturday is usually like this…

mental note: friends and clients are both experiencing high levels of chaos and anxiety right now.  it’s in the stars.  it’s not just you.  sudden shifts of reality, jobs, health, future outlooks changing suddenly.  internal anxiety at an all time high for no external personal reason.  my friend suggested we might be empathing the syrian refugee’s plight right now.  much plight, all around the world, crescendoing.  bring on the love.  doing my best.  got my moon time and done with pms so i feel more stable inside, just from that.  the tears are subsiding and the fortitude is rising.  up and down.  round and round.  humans.  being around a new baby brings awareness.  how the moment we enter this world, it’s intense for us.  being a body is like being stuck in a very needy container, that gets uncomfortable continually, from needing to pee, poo, sneeze, cough, eat, cool down, heat up, roll over, on and on.  watching my friend be a new mom, we joked, how my existential loneliness sounds like heaven to her.  felt nurturing to spend time in she and her husband’s beautiful home, eating pizza, watching funny skits, watching them try to calm their wide awake brand new kid.  family time break in my otherwise family-less world.  physical world that is.  i have a family, just not in seattle.  spend most of my time alone, aside from friend visitations.  don’t have rooms to walk into, or a yard, no animal, no touch, no kiss on the lips how was you day-ness, no can you wash the dishes, nothing of the sort.   i talk out loud to myself a lot.  walking through fremont i wondered if i could live in that district?  i don’t know.  still don’t have the calling of where to move to next.  not rushing it.  nothing new to say today.  i realized how removed i am right now.  not that i want to be.  but it’s just happening.  the introversion from “humanity” feels wonderful, and is opening my creativity big time.  the removal from having a partner continues to always feel…uncomfortable and sad, and that’s just how it goes.  practicing my strength to say no to the ones who only want to throw out crumbs.  would rather eat nothing than munch on crumbs believing they will turn into a feast one day.  would rather be clear and honest, than convoluted and putting on rose colored glasses.  would rather wait like penelope, than give myself away like eponine. changing of the archetype.  takes courage, faith, and discipline.  sexy is an available and courageous open hearted man who recognizes love when it is before him.  keep wanting to put the warrior suit down but keep needing it.  so be it.  at least my warrior suit is a seat under the bodhi tree and not armor and a sword.   at least i have this view, a luxury i can afford…