contemplations made by monday…

i find comfort that if i die, these words live on the web.  it might be my main motivation for writing them.  on some days anyway.  life is intense for many people right now.  illness, betrayal, loneliness, life being life.  this time around my heart is getting it.  getting that life is not about reaching a permanent state where everything is happy.  cause life is not about that.  life is about love.  and love brings us to our knees through various obstacles, challenges, injustices, pain, heart break.  there is much to learn and even more room to grow.  i would never make the same choices today i made twenty years ago.

love has schooled me hard and i have worked to be a stellar student.  yet some things stay the same.  as does my bohemian heart, committed to the creative path and the life of a mystic.  that no matter how much money and stability taunts and tempts, i can’t do it.  i can’t stray from the meaning of life that dwells within my heart like a permanent fixture.  it offers no security or reward other than integrity and feeling of rightness inside.

meanwhile, as i get older i wish for more comfort.  i would love to live in a house if i could.  would love to drive a solid working car.  and have really good cookware.  then i think about those who have not had enough to eat today, and those battling life threatening illnesses, and those who slave away at jobs they despise to eat and have shelter, and i feel yucky for wanting a house, a car, cookware.  it feels so shallow.  i am alright as i am.  i get by.  i have weaknesses galore.  don’t we all?  the quest is always on the inside.  we have dreams, desires, and goals.  we have longing.

it’s not so much that i dream of being published or recognized as an artist, even though i do, cause i am typical that way…it’s that i must make art and writing a priority, to keep my dreams alive, external success or not from others, the real success is me simply doing it. and  it’s not that i am a mystic to get someplace or convince the world of my wisdom or anything like that, in fact i could care less about it…but it’s my every day experience, my reality, and if i stray even for a second, i melt into a puddle and become useless.  it’s not that my dreams are in opposition to the values of my culture…or wait.  yes they are.  my truth is in total opposition.  yet i have learned that i am not a fanatic or an extremist, or the the type to escape and walk away from culture, even if i don’t agree with most of it, or its basic skeleton.  i am an integrator, an alchemist, i seek to make love to opposition, not war.  not goodbye, but a deeper hello.  it’s hard for sure.  i don’t know how good a job i am doing.  i guess thinking about myself beyond this point starts to become too self absorbed.  finis.

the sky is silky again this morning.  god i love the silky seattle skyline.  i am falling in love with seattle right now.  after living here on and off for sixteen years, i am finally falling in love.  there was an article posted on vice about seattle witches, featuring a few of my friends, which was exciting.  one woman was talking about how her friend moved to new york city and found nobody to talk about what intentions they were making for the new moon, and other witchy topics.  so true.  i lived there and found the same thing.  i felt insignificant there.  everywhere i have lived, but seattle has been the same thing.  my people are here.  it is perfectly natural to talk about the planets, intentions, oils, stones, dimensions, magic, and the like.  pretty special to not feel like a complete isolate.

some of the comments in that article were nasty and it pissed me off.  i know in my yogi training, i am learning to not react to reactivity.  so to be less reactive (when i really want to say fuck you)….i understand the new age has its ego and bullshit just like every sect of life.  but the entire new age is not fluff or false.  to scorn and generalize an entire community of people and beliefs is harsh and childish.  i know i have that tendency in me to do so with religion.  but i get specific about now.  i scorn the written dogma yes, but not the good loving people who believe in it, and not the beautiful architecture of some churches, and not the belief that jesus is god.  if you want to scorn the egomaniacal self help new age aspect that feels like total propaganda, i get it.  but there is also really relevant good information too, and good people too.

let’s just say that i am learning about how stupid it is to generalize and scorn and entire belief system and its people, and learning how to specifically communicate what bothers me, while honoring the goodness and love within the beliefs and people.  i have no issue with christians who believe jesus is god and love all people and know that being gay is not a sin, including gay marriage, and who also know that women are equal to men and are free to educate themselves, choose their dress, their lives, and make their own choices.  but the moment they talk about god saying gay marriage is a sin, and women’s place is as  mother in the home only, and other prejudices disguised as god’s word, then i judge, then i don’t tolerate it.  this is my current practical stance.

i can believe that the dogma is false and the prejudice is harmful to humanity, while still honoring the innocence and love of believers and their beliefs that don’t bring harm.  i am not so ignorant as to walk around telling everybody what dimension they come from, blurting out my spiritual truth as if it were true for all.  i did that for a brief period in my twenties and it was obnoxious, as much of the behavior can be in the twenties sector.  the only thing i want to blurt out and make everybody buy into, is to love, have compassion, forgiveness, and honor for all people.

otherwise, i understand that we live in a time period and realm where we cannot know for sure what the larger spiritual truth is for all of life, so beliefs are the mechanism we rely upon to form a connection to the spiritual aspect of life.  and by spiritual, i mean, your belief about the larger picture.  atheism is a spiritual belief as well, as it’s a belief rooted purely in the five senses to be the detector of truth.   believe what you want, that jesus is god, that aliens created this hologram we call earth, that we are just energy in a meaningless universe, whatever….so long as you do not marginalize people who believe otherwise, hiding your prejudices inside the truth of your god.   anyhow, that’s my morning rant.  again….finis.