rose colored glasses flecked with grey and black…

more on romantic love.  upon hearing some very bad news from somebody i love, i realize just how hard it is for everybody.  i am surrounded in my blood family, by unions that stay together till death, with no cheating, and tons of unconditional love.  don’t get me wrong, my family has dysfunction and problems, like all families, yet monogamy and till death do we part, is a strength in the bloodline.  yet all around me, i see relationships fall apart.  well, not all.  i also am lucky to know a handful of strong true love relationships.  and you wanna know why?  because these women worked their asses off to choose partners who treat them well.  learning the lessons of not choosing based on: infatuation, looks, magnetism, or deep seeded childhood issues that call upon pain.  i have watched my friends, both men and women, get supremely wounded from chosing the wrong partners, recover, and then find life partners where there is balance and workability.  i am learning so much.  here is me, alone, as i am too sensitive to go through relationship after relationship.  i have chosen solitude and waiting, aside from some past life soulmates whom i have been with and lost, and felt heart break over, or soulmates whom i realize i am not in love with romantically and broken up with.  most of my learning comes from watching my friends and processing my own past.  what i have learned as of late, is that we are all fucked up with a shit ton of short comings.  so take the arrows out of every heart.  at the same time, know what you deserve and hold out for it.  but even then, you still might get betrayed, because of those damn short comings, so don’t expect paradise.  i fall in love very rarely.  and when i have, i have tried to say it’s not love, or i have let myself feel it and had to let it go.  there’s never been anything else.  not yet.  as nada surf sings, “i know the last page so well, i can’t read the first, so i just don’t start, it’s getting worse.”  when the right man comes along he will make me feel loved and i will allow myself to receive his love and give it back.  but this does not assure any future of happiness.  people fuck up.  this is why it’s important to be emotionally independent.  i am so glad i am.  i am so relieved that my foundation is on the inside.  that i can rely on love within, to be my ultimate support.  not a man.  i would love to trust a man and be in a life long true love partnership, but i don’t expect it.  because there’s the dream and then there is reality.  reality shows us how hard it is.  the dream shows us what is possible.  my rose colored glasses are flecked with grey and black.  i trust myself in a partnership, to be loyal, honest, sensual, passionate, real, and intimate.  i am capable of this.  my short comings are not in these areas.  maybe there is a man who can give this back, and we can make one another happy.  but what if not?  what if he does not come along?  it’s not really valuable to “what if”.  better just to sing a love song, and keep making life a work of art.  be the change i wish to see and all that.  this blog is all over the place.  not one point. a fuming of sorts.  or a smoldering.  i am not explaining myself well and i don’t care to.  my heart hurts and is hopeful at the same time.  i don’t need a man and i want partnership at the same time.  i am truly free and not free at the same time.  we are never truly free, until we are all free.  i know i keep saying this lately.  because in my heart i can reach healing, equanimity, peace, but if you haven’t, there is only so far i can go, because we are all one.  we chose this experiment of being separate seeming, for reasons that started off as unspoken inspirations.  that being known, i forgive you and myself and everybody for everything, and at the same time hold all of us accountable to treat one another and ourselves with more and more love, every day.  finis.