long monday blog about identities and creation….

right before i woke up, i dreamed that i was in large auditorium sized class about writing, taught by somebody who looked and felt like anais nin, but it wasn’t.  i had acquired a wooden slab, which in the dream was the “writing paper” of the olden days, like 1700’s maybe.  the teacher commented on my use of the slab instead of regular paper, in a way that was pleasing…but i seemed to wander off from the class just as she was speaking to me, and found myself walking through dark hallways in a mammoth, again old-world type of building.  next, i open a door, and walk into a huge auditorium size room filled with important men having a political meeting.  it felt like i walked into a world summit gathering happening in the 18th century.  i woke up in a state of awe…

before i went to sleep i fell down the rabbit hole, through having a discussion with my friend about the world, and all of the sadness and abuse in it.  my heart was already in a sad place because i realize just how much i live in my head and that real life is not the same as what i want to be happening.  i think this might be a prerequisite for a writer, to live in their head…but it’s not fun each time i wake up to reality’s difference.  another friend speaks about there being no difference between reality and one’s head, and i see his point too.  we are all living in our heads.  i mean, we can only process this thing called reality through our thinking, which is purely subjective with no escape of it.  if there is an objective truth, we will never know it as humans because we are feeling bodies with senses and a brain that interprets, and so it is.  but my slant on the topic is much more about what i feel, think and know within, not matching what happens in the outside world of my life.  for instance, my feelings are not matched, that i have for somebody.  or my life purpose is dammed up by reality’s constraints, etc.  this sort of thing.  like, i feel and think one way and reality shows me the opposite. i don’t think this is too uncommon…

there are times when i am steeped in my star-self, and i radiate outward the truth, in an emotional form that transforms and inspires everybody around me, awakening love and hope in human hearts.  and then there are times when i am an existential observer, reflecting upon all of the fragmented madness humans create.  i turn everything into a depressing play in my mind, like “waiting for godot”.  this might be my father’s blood running through me, as he is a philosophically minded existentialist, and we’ve had many grim conversations about the state of humanity.  it’s the part of him in me, coursing through the bloodline, that made me fall in love with the book and musical “les miserables” too, and this reminded me of my dream last night.  it was very les mis-y.  this aspect of me is so different than my starseed self who zaps limiting paradigms with her violet flame wand, filling the world up with unconditional love….

i think when i get sad and start to feel deflated like a flower without water, i default into the existentialist.  then i pick myself up again, and transform back into the inspired starseed who invents new realities with the flick of her wrist.  these two aspects of me take turns responding and reacting to being this creature named michelle.  the existentialist is a humanitarian with the potential to risk her life for the greater good, but because she’s sad about all the suffering, she can also easily give up.  the starseed sees reality as illusion, feels the illusion, and is the magician who understands the deeper meaning behind the suffering of the world…she is stronger than the pain, and transform’s darkness into light, turning black and white realities into multi-colored light shows.  she’s more the truth evolving, where as the existential aspect of me is reactionary to hurt….

well…these are some insights.  they might be boring to you who does not even know me.  but maybe i will inspire you to see your own aspects within.  awareness is the key to creating your life and making it a work of art, verses reacting to life and allowing fate to shape it because you remain submissive to the forces that be.  we all have the choice which reality we attune to.  think of it like many songs on the frequency radio of life.  which one do you want to play?  i want to play the frequency of my star-self.  though i honor the existentialist too, i think she’d be better of turned into a relic, perhaps like the slab in my dream…a little bit of beautiful and poetic nostalgia.  reality may not mirror what i feel, but i must not give up!  anyway, gonna do yoga now and slip into nothingness, take a break from the starseed and the existentialist….and dive into being breath, where distinctions are not important…