sunday’s chirping…

this full moon in pisces has been soft and bleary, smeary and a magical.  not too many thoughts and feelings are taking a hike up the mountain to dwell with the blue jays.  endless hours of watching “dynasty” again last night, intrigued by the story, learning by watching, thinking about shakespeare, karma, and the power of myth.  choosing solitude over music and friends, allowing the rain to make me invisible.  trading a reading for a massage.  boy did i need it.  her healing touch returned a sense of dignity to my body.  thank goddess for the goddess.  mirroring each other.  her cute black kitty and settled home, an apartment on the hill.  inspired me to have an apartment that feels like a home, not like this pitched birds nest in the sky.  though it has been my home for four years…i miss having a place i can move about, entertain, feel more alive.  it’s the little things.  driving and cooking, petting an animal, painting a wall.  jupiter in virgo must be what i am feeling.   beauty in the mundane, is all.  me changing too.  growing out of old patterns, karmic attachments, and reactions.  no more guilt for the luxuries.  give more substantially instead.  a story to open the heart is like teaching a man to fish.  soon i will go to vegas. i miss my folks and sister.  miss joey the cat.  and the silence of the desert.  quitting the yoga studio to save money.  can do it at home now, by memory.  less time in crowded places.  more time to be in my 12th house north node solitude.  back to the basics.  drinking a vanilla oat stout watching the rain cloud up my window pane, rose incense burning, letting the let downs let themselves down from pedestals and delusions. eight ball in the naive pocket again.  so that’s me.  i’d rather keep it that way than turn off or cold.  we all are learning.  at least i can be bold when i need to.  one day i wont be scary to somebody.  one day i wont be too much.  one day i wont be the wrong thing or the side chic or the dessert or the crush.  one day.  but today i am still here.  in this rent a tent, staring out into the city scape, intent on transforming my situation with self esteem as i slink along the path of rocky cliff jumps into old ways of being.  not afraid to admit it.  deeper confidence in honesty verses trying to look good.  awareness wins over accolades.  wisdom over dollars.  this is not to say the world’s money game i meet with reactive anger and refusal either.  nor will i shun the part of me that wishes for attention.  all inclusive is my mantra.  and healing everything with love.  ah, here i go again, same old talk.  chirp chirp chirp goes the blue jay with her daily song…