full moon blog on saturday….

i’ve no idea what to write about.  feeling full moon outofitness.  swishing coconut oil in my mouth, listening to baba hanuman, staring at the greyish-blue cloud cover, feeling the emollient breeze lop through the screen, coating my face in comfort.  when i feel fall coming, i feel like i made it back home, after another summer on the battlefield. summer is usually a battlefield for some reason.  decided to allow myself to eat pizza yesterday, and watch three episodes of “dynasty” in a row, to come down from a recent let down, and give my mind a chance to switch the flow.  sorrow for the wounds of men and women.  the men who fall for women who abuse them, and then treat the women who are kind to them with disrespect.  the women who fall for men who abuse them and don’t feel attracted to the men who want to cherish them.  the way life brings us lessons, but we are so focused on doing what will get us liked or achieving a happy outcome, that we fail to see the lessons.  my lesson on repeat for years now has been discernment.  had to say no to the man i fell in love with last year cause he could not give me what i needed on an essential level.  since then, no boyfriend opportunities have come along but there have been men passing through, maybe wanting me and me not wanting them, or they want to use me as a healing agent, or just to selfishly take.  it’s hard to not believe in the wound of rejection that stares me in the face.  i let it go and face denial in all of its forms.  sexuality is energy, it’s deep. it’s not just fucking.  i could write an entire book on this.  i have always been the giver giving to the taker.  and that paradigm i am done with now.  i keep working on letting go.  knowing the denial of love is a product of the mind making it so.  saddened by all the denial.  but i also know friends in awesome relationships too.  equal relationships.  they give me advise or i learn by watching them.  she tells me that when she finally let go of her denial pattern it was weird letting the right man in.  at first she was not sure she was attracted to him.  the energy felt so new.  another woman i know went through years of intense drama with her best friend whom is now her true love, because he had brainwashed blocks he had to work through.  i guess you never know what form love wants to take.  my heart grieves all the wrong loves, or loves that could not be, and i wash myself clean of myself.  trying to find the patience to wait.  or just move on with life.  that’s all i can do.  there’s a new foundation for me at a job and in a new home, a new book to write, a new throne for my ego to smash, and a new lesson for my soul to grow into.  i say this flatly, this morning, not really in the mood to put a positive spin on sad feelings.  but that’s because it’s the full moon, and i need to let the sadness fully out…so that i can give it to the moon.  moon mother, take this sorrow and purify my heart, allow me to love as if i have never been hurt, even if the hurt lives in my bones as a karmic story, release me from it’s grip, so that i may experience full forgiveness and acceptance for all that is….so mote it be.