more blah blah blahing due to sickness…

second blog in one day cause as it turns out i got a tummy virus thingy and am on the couch resting.  talk about my body making me be in my body.  it’s a blessing i suppose, cause it forces me into real refuge, the here and now.  as mundane as it gets, when one is sick.  the air is hot, sun coming through south facing windows, fan on high, black curtains pulled closed to keep out the searing ball of life giving light.  though maybe i ought to pull the curtains back after i write, and lay in the sun like a cat.  heal my tummy with a star.  our star.  earth’s beacon and nourishment.  i might as well.  limbs feel weak.  eyes even blurry.  will trust this illness fury, as an anchoring, and chance to go back within.  for that’s where the longing is.  inside.  it’s funny how some things flow and others don’t.  it’s funny how fucked up this society is.  it’s funny how nobody escapes regret even if it’s disguised as gratitude.  lessons are the reason.  happiness is the quest.  and yet, happiness is inside.  the quest is an inside job, yes.  but then there is also the outside and that matters too.  really there’s no difference at all, this is the truth.  one is reflection of the other.  so if my outside feels stuck, something must be stuck on the inside, right?  oh, it’s not always so damn equational!  quiet the mind.  lessons.  tests.  the classic battle of dark verses light.  star wars and lord of the rings.  the masculine and feminine sides.  blah blah blah.  friggen over it all today.  tummy searing like the ball of light in the sky.  wild fires killing life.  an entire people raped, conquered, killed on this very land i exist upon.  over and over this has happened to races of people, and to women too.  the same lessons on repeat.  makes my love longing seem really teeny.  and yet it’s connected.  i remember the lives when i was raped and pillaged, ripped apart from my beloved, and then killed.  i remember in this life, when some very bad things happened too, setting me up to fear intimacy.  i connect the dots of every life and experience, linking love to pain and pain to love.  this pain in my heart is a ball of light in the making.  the sun was once a ball of pain.  everything was once pain.  i have no idea what i am saying.  never mind….