sunday tidbits….

i am in the middle of a storm within.  sort of.  it comes and goes.  it’s fear, that’s all.  emotions need out too.  music music music is what gets me through.  i want to live inside of music right now.  so i am gonna go to some thing in the park cause it’s free and outside.  then maybe check out some album release thing tonight, and if i wind up clamming up instead, put my headphones on and get it that way.  the song i posted right before this, i must have listened to twenty times in a row last night.  it’s like, music is the only place that makes sense to me.  it’s the only place where any and all emotions find a beautiful and proper outlet.  i wish so much i could play an instrument.  a new palm reader and friend at the shop offered to barter giving me voice and piano lessons.  maybe i need to just do it.  painting is not how i feel like expressing myself right now.  and writing is always the anchor.  but i need that purely emotional creative outlet. i want to sing!  my body is purging, i want to sing.  my heart is cleansing, i want to sing.  my mind is freaking out, i need to sing.  go figure.  the swords are the mind in the tarot deck and they are all shitty pretty much, except for the four and six, which i am doing my best to live by having sacred solitude lead to clarity.  faith comes to mind, and i have never been good with faith. i have always been the type to need experience first.  all of my spiritual truth is based on experience, for instance.  i would never just believe or go on blind faith.  i don’t work that way.  temperaments are a real thing.  though anything can change too within the temperament, because nothing is truly fixed.  it’s only fixed till it aint.  anyhow, what more to say? this is why i shall move my body to the park and be in nature and maybe there will be an inspiring band.  i wont be living in this land much longer, not the hill anyway.  might be real close, but whose to say.  i have to be flexible right now.  and open.  there’s wild fires burning up the eastern lands.  very aware of how quickly this all can end.  you know, like quick.  any of us can die at any moment.  life is short.  a woman came into the store yesterday with an illness wanting to take her life, she is fighting it.  in her frailty, she spoke of making the moment joyful, and it was an inspiration.  so that’s my plan for sunday.  wandering around in an open flexible music hungry bleary minded vulnerable hearted state.  wearing turquoise, the color of happiness.  the sky is white with either smoke from the fires or clouds, cannot tell.  letting go of needing to be able to tell.  just will go eat some good food and wonder about it all, plopping on grass…