morning of deep thoughts suddenly appearing…

i go in and out of understanding romantic relationships.  i mean, i get them intellectually all the time, but in my heart there’s this on/off thing that happens inside. some mornings i wake up and don’t understand romantic love in my heart.  like, the entire concept seems foreign.  the whole idea of joining naked bodies and wanting to call somebody honey and sweetie and exchange fluids, and live together and say, “we are a couple,” we are this thing….it feels weird to me.  sometimes i am catapulted into stoicism and abstraction.  i still feel immense love for everyone and everything, like i always do, but there’s this…disengagement from physical touch and sentimental feelings.  an aloofness takes hold.  probably from growing up spending a lot of time alone and sad, mixed with the hurt and all the bad things that happened, and then mix that with an airy temperament…sometimes i zoom out.  it’s hard to stay on the ground where flesh and blood is.  well, at least not anymore, when it comes to being in my body.  but romantic love, that feels like something way too sticky and weird and alien for me some mornings.  i am sure that whomever this love of mine turns out to be, he will be able to laugh when i wake up and feel like it’s weird that we are together.  mating is strange.  i am still thinking about it all though, on the daily…because my intention is to be intentional, to make the relationship i am in, a work of art.  i suppose i live my life by tall orders.  so be it.  not apologizing.  i have plenty of flaws, far from perfect, but i do treat each day like an art piece.  i don’t need a man to make a baby with, or to mate with to feel security…though that security of having a man by my side feels fucking awesome, i can live without it.  my desire to love romantically is purely venusian.  love to love.  why else have i been working on my stuff all these years?  to not project it onto him and use any human being to fill any voids.  it’s hard work.  i say that all the time.  love teaches us numerous lessons.  nobody is free of it.  though we also get to choose and create relationships.  the more we heal and become self aware, the less victim we are to ourselves, which get us into relationships that are blind, reactionary, and cause suffering.  this is why i continually ask myself, “what do i want?”  i know what is feels like to fall in love, and i don’t think we choose who we love.  but we do choose what to do with that love.  it is possible to choose the wrong person, and to not choose the right person.  both are still meant to be though.  meant to be does not only mean successful outcomes to the pleasure seeking ego.  meant to be means, learning lessons.  you choose the wrong person to learn about discernment and self love, it is meant to be.  you don’t choose the right person to learn different love lessons.  i think it’s uber detrimental to think that pleasure outcomes are the only aim of life, or the only success.  though i also understand that we are learning how to increase happiness, or return to back to it.  so it’s tricky.  it’s a paradox sort of, and love is the only answer.  treat everything, everyone, and every experience, from the most painful to the most pleasurable, as love, and as meant to be….even the experiences and people who betray or abuse you, because they are your greatest teachers.  the man who abused me and the men who hurt and violated me in my past, have all been my greatest teachers, and i forgive them.  i love them.  of course, there’s still the part of me that wants to yell at the men who took without asking, “you ruined my life!”  that’s the animal part of me.  i give honor to the animal.  it’s not true that statement about my life being ruined though.  it’s only anger and hurt crying out for justice.  but the only justice that comes is the justice of love i give to myself.   the spirit part of me is much stronger than the sensitive animal, and she understands why it all happened, how it all works in this realm, and the alchemy of transformation that is catalyzed by the darkness.  it’s not just a rationalization. i am living proof.  and i don’t say this to sugar coat, because it’s simply the truth.  it’s my truth anyhow.  wow, all this deep talk from beginning with feeling alien toward romantic love.  i did not know so much emotion was inside of me this morning….