musings on a night i create new neural pathways…

i feel like online dating is not for me.  i am all about meeting in real life, in a certain flow that is not like, grocery shopping for men.  many of my friends have met their men online though, so i don’t diss it, but my intuition is that this is not the path for me.  remaining open though, i have a profile, so mote is be.  many realizations in this department as of late.  dreams revealing hidden complexes.  in some kind of mini hermitage, maybe only a week, where i am facing my inner romantic love demon.  this demon is how i see myself.  and it aint purty.  when i walked into bleu tonight, ross asked how i was, and i said to him, “it’s been hard.”  he replied, “being you?”  he just knew.  yes, i said.  and it clicked in my heart and not just my head.  it’s really inside of me, the problem.  letting go of an abusive story really, if you wanna get real fucken honest.  the way a part of me treats myself is mean.  it stems from the experiences of my past and it got ingrained.  this is science, how the psyche imprints.  we create these neural pathways.  that’s what the demons are.  i see mine and i am letting go of them.  but what does that even mean? i remember once, in elementary school, we wrote little messages, tied them to helium balloons and let them go into the sky, to be found maybe far far away.  this is what letting go feels like in my heart.  you just…let go.  it happens in a moment….after many many days, months, years, of practice.  practicing watching the thoughts, being breath, opening the heart, coming fully into the body.  the daily practice really does make letting go as easy as letting a helium balloon go in your hands…one day.  i am always humbled by my psyche.  we humans are complex beings.  i am working on my stuff to love better.  doesn’t true love require it?  and what is true love?  lana del rey talks about making her life a work of art.  that’s what true love is.  it’s also being love, within.  it is also what you do with the love you are.  there are a million ways to love.  whatever your heart truly seeks it creates.  all versions are valid.  follow your version is always my advise.  sometimes you meet lovers along the way who are there for a short period of time, to awaken you….and sometimes you meet somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with…and sometimes the love is not sexual…and sometimes it is only sexual…and sometimes you don’t know what it is.  and everybody has their stuff.  i want to be soft on myself and my lovers, no matter what kind.  we are all doing the best we can.  becoming vulnerable and honest is scary, man.  lets all give ourselves a break.  love will take care of it…