so now i’m thinking i’ll rent a place in magnolia and get enough nature there. i don’t know about all that yet. nothing calls. the only calling of home is in the writing. and i’m thinking i will put this next fiction thing directly online. write for the love of it. put it up right away cause i love doing that too. be free. can i self generate all the love from within? yes, i can. it’s fun. it’s a challenge. it hurts. the message coming through in tonight’s workshop, that i received from the pele report…about how all of our values are being hit right now. nobody is getting they want. the point right now, is not about getting what we want. it’s about the choices we make. it’s about not taking it personal and not blaming yourself or others for what does not feel good…but instead feel the pain with no rhyme or reason, knowing justice will not happen as a resolution of the mind…but only in a letting go in the heart, forgiving and moving on. unwinding the karma and dissolving it into unconditional love. it’s hard to talk about because there’s no reason in it. the suit of cups is the realm of the heart, where feelings rule. some people don’t trust their feelings, and it’s a shame. you should let that distrust go, because it assumes that you are only allowed to create perfect outcomes and pleasurable conditions, or else you are wrong and shouldn’t be trusted. silly, we all create lessons for ourselves. it’s the only way we learn. and part of life is learning. the core of life is learning how to love and that is what we are doing. i am about to do it all differently this next cycle. brand new me. give the world a better you. a more loving being. a more open and playful being….even able to play in the soot of devastation after a tragedy has been afoot. this urge to love in me is generating from a place really deep. deep. deep. down. down into the earth. down into the physical guts made of amethyst and rich black wet soil. only fiction can get this out. only what is inside the eyes. in another place. but i live in this place too. they are both right here now, so to speak. as anais nin said, “i live two lives, the one that i am living and the one that i write.” that’s not an exact quote but that’s how her spirit says it in my head whenever i contemplate the way writing fulfills my soul. and that’s just it. i am fulfilling it. this birthright is not open for negotiation. but the thing is, i don’t view the suffering as ant-soul fulfilling either. through suffering i learned how to love, and this love learning brought me to happiness. happiness is on the inside truly, and that’s what changes the outside often…even most of the time, unless pluto or uranus are teaching you a lesson. anyhow, not sure how well this translates in words, without sounding new age annoying. but i needed to express this tonight. waves of anxiety keep pouring through my heart in tsunami style waves, crashing upon the shore of being bad. that feeling of being bad bred into my little body under age ten and possibly lifetimes back. we all have the shadowy costume aspect to ourselves, cause we’ve all been conditioned by a love starved world. no need to focus on that though. giving love to feed the world is the action.