a certain muddy sky mood…

these are strange days.  so much change in the air.  watching my desires wane and flare.  getting hardly any sleep, nor wanting very much to eat.  as if something is on the horizon i can’t see.  feeling a swell in the heart.  a call to make new art.  freedom of movement.  was walking down into the guts of seattle yesterday thinking about instagram, and making little videos to put up, how it would be interesting to get random people on the street, homeless people, mentally ill people, tourists, etc….to say something from the heart in a few seconds.  right as the thought entered my brain, a man started talking to me, randomly.  he said, “when it’s the one, it’s the one, there’s no reason why, they just are the one for you.”  lacking the courage to ask if he’d repeat himself for the camera, i simply replied, “true.  there’s no reason in love.  thank you,” and kept walking.  keeping the torch of true love alive in my heart, being love within the strongest part.  i realized this past week, true love is about devotion  maybe it’s my bhakti style heart, i dunno, but devotion is the cornerstone.  it’s what i want to be doing.  or it’s all i can do.  hence, any romantic interactions that are not rooted in devotion, only skim the surface, or act as a catalyst along the way.  but only one man will get through, and he will be devoted to me, as i am to him, through and through.  i don’t know or understand it.  so messed up from my past, i think i seem to make terrible decisions about it.  drawing to me those who just want to take bites and leave.  or who need my eyes to awaken them from sleep.  but because i am love inside, i am willing and open to be taken by surprise.  keep taking down the brick walls that tell me i am unlovable, each one lies.  the sky is muddy this morning, like the delusion in my eyes, like the cream in my coffee, like the tied up wires of the mind.  keep doing the practice. watch the story unwind.  who do you love?  what is sex meant to be, beyond pleasure and satisfying a biological need?  sometimes i feel like a fish flip flopping around outside of water.  doing my best to stay alive.  blaming myself for the fisherman who yanked me from my home by tricking me with a worm on a string.  but that’s ok.  it’s just another story in the endless story of me.  round and round we go.  where the karma stops, nobody knows….