wednesday’s who what when where how…

all over the map right now….all over the map.  i have applied for jobs in la, miami and looked for them and for rooms for rent in seattle, eastern washington, up state new york, new york city, and other places i’ve forgotten already.  i’ve researched work-live on retreats, jobs at resorts, woofing, and farm live-works, all over the world.  could i be more open and non-specific?  thing is, i am a writer, artist, and healer, i know what i am about…but being these things is exactly what leads me to wonder if it would be good for my soul to farm for a bit, or to do something outside of my box of living and working in cities.  though honestly, when i research out of the box ideas, everything still feels random and empty.  looking on the internet is not the best way for me.  i gage by smell and in person feelings.  yet the internet is all i have to go on.  unless i were to simply roam about, which i don’t think i could pull of anyhow.  and what i want the most is not in my control.  partnership.  forced to let go.  being pushed and challenged per usual.  i am used to it by now.  though i don’t want to be a warrior anymore, and i put that costume down.  i call upon softness.  talking with a friend last night, we called it a renaissance.  been working our asses off to transform since 2011, walking up the mountain and through the mud….and it’s time for a flow switch.  a hey day.  a flourishing.  this is what eggs my search on.  to have an adventure, or get to the next level with my gifts.  to live larger, since i am not settling in.  there comes a point too, when healing grows old like ivy that can completely take hold of the structure it’s growing over.  the healing process needs to be cut back, to allow for the structure’s integrity to remain.  balance is the name of the game.  all i know is, the next chapter is about flourishing.  i can tell movement is already happening, even though nothing is moving on the outside yet….cause i have let go of all my mental strong holds and claims.  my heart is an open plain.  sunshine bathing every shadow with light.  not good enough programming taking flight.  this world is a hologram, the maya, an illusion…and yet being here fully embodied and rooted to source, is what’s important.  claiming the here and now, as good enough.  remember being a kid and doing that?  i do.  i remember loving to play capture the flag at camp robinhood.  a simple memory, but a potent one.  joy found in pretending.  when did that get lost in the sea of adulthood seriousness?   i want it back, because truth is, all any of us ever do is pretend.  we put on these costumes for a while, before our bodies become dead.  life is supposed to be fun.  i remember this, despite the world mess of abuse, violence, and ignorance…despite my own experience of child hood trauma.  simple sounding, am i?  i know.  that’s this morning’s mood.  feeling tired too.  retrograde venus dive into the pool of my vast green watered heart…is what this blog is.  best make truth silent before i sound trite.  wednesday, right…gonna go read souls at the shop, after i plop on the mat in savasana….