i’m forcing myself to blog. gotta keep up the practice. keep erasing blogs as of late, not wanting to claim my reality in words. this is how it feels in the middle of rebirth. we shall see where it leads. the heavy heat sits on my shoulders like birds on a telephone wire. wondering whether or not to wash these highlights out and return to the dark brown that feels more like home. home. the topic. ten of pentacles. roots. legacy. life purpose. venus retrograde. all of my client’s readings yesterday were intense. much more than when mercury goes retrograde. everybody is questioning and making choices right now about love decisions. are you? i made the decision with romantic love to be neither letting go or seeking. simply just being. i also made the decision to put reason before feelings when choosing. if my values are not being honored, i don’t care how much i feel in love or turned on, the answer is a no. and lastly, i have decided to keep hopeful that i am lovable for all of my flaws. insecurities are only negative reactions to flaws. i choose a more realistic and rose colored reaction to both my flaws and whomever my partner turns out to be. flaws are flaws and we all have them and they are not supposed to be pretty. so pretty done with all that line of thinking. moved on to other areas of love. where does my body want to call home next? what other work related jobs am i open to, in order to make money to supplement my creative endeavors? ten of pentacles stuff. i have been all into this city verses nature line of thinking….until yesterday. yesterday it changed, just like it did with romantic love that one day….where the polarity dropped out. now i feel open to both city and nature, realizing that i can be in the city if there’s a purpose for me there that is new and fresh. though my heart still wants a patch of grass, still wants to be outside of the city, even if just outside. point being though, i feel myself getting more and more open to what the future holds. when i get the call, i know it’s time to go. even if i don’t where that is yet. might as well wash all of my mental notions down the drain of venus retrograde right now. got no belongings and only one suitcase to my name when all is said and done. last night the twenty somethings were partying late into the night. yelling woo-hoo even, like literally. it was difficult not to judge. alcohol can be so annoying when over consumed by certain types of people. i guess the animal needs out, in everybody…and for some that looks like getting drunk and yelling woo-hoo. i imagine the booze was in red plastic cups. it’s apparent to me how alcohol is a substitute for real passionate flow. i mean, i like having a few drinks, and when i was young i got drunk to have fun too….so this does not come from an extreme place of non-understanding. just noticing how the act of getting really drunk and losing control is desired because of how contained passion is in our american culture. there’s not much room for emotional expression. it’s all about working, achieving, being good, being witty, being callous, being sarcastic, being tough. so the shadow of course will be, to get wasted to let out the pent of animal that wants to howl. for many the drunken howl is innocent. but there’s also the not innocent aspects to intoxication. i wonder how much rape, abuse, violence, and death would decrease if booze vanished off the planet. then there’s the whole addiction thing, which leads down another shadowy rabbit hole. is alcohol really worth it? but anyhow. why am i talking about booze and the shadow? oh right, cause of the party kids last night. woohoo. i don’t know….