venting suddenly on wednesday….

went to poulsbo for the first time yesterday and loved it.  made me feel so happy, just to breathe in the salty fishy air.  uranus feels intense right now.  so many changes.  and yet nothing is changing at all.  but about to, i think.  i hope.  new home no matter what, on the rise.  new projects.  new fodder.  yet here i am still doing the exact same thing.  i feel boring right now.  why am i even blogging?  only to not let too much time pass between blogs.  there was a brief few days i blogged heavily, but now it’s back to blah.  not much to say.  not sure if it’s east or west that calls to me.  thinking now, river and east.  not west and island.  i am open.  i just want nature.  new life.  sacred space.  i want to become the water.  i want to breathe clean air.  i want to retreat from being around so much humanity.  my north node calls me there.  must follow the callings.  trust.  in poulso there was this ring at a second hand store i wanted to buy, called the trust ring, but i didn’t cause it had “psalm 91” written on the back, and i did not want to wear anything referring to the bible.  but i loved the ring.  it reminded me of how i don’t trust.  where there’s fear.  where i continually wait for the other shoe to drop.  where i don’t believe in myself.  all that stuff.  watching it pass through my brain like clouds.  keep breathing.  keep getting onto the mat.  the more i can hold a pose in equanimity, the more i can watch fear pass through my heart, without it messing up my mojo.  cause feelings come and go.  there’s the bliss ones too, that rush through like a river.  sudden inspiration.  feeling in love with life.  hope restored.  rebirth.  all i know is, the city doesn’t give it to me right now.  walking by the windows of stuff for sale.  wedding dresses on mannequins, total aversion.  no part of me relates to putting on a white dress and having brides maids and a wedding.  yuck.  i wonder if i will ever get married.  if i do, it will be a small simple ceremony, or eloping.  and i wont wear a white dress.  i just don’t give two craps. it’s ironic that i have married four couples.  and when i did, i felt the sacred power and beauty of what they were doing, and i brought the sacred vibe.  it felt really intense and i liked it.  so perhaps making a ritual out of love is beautiful.  i just don’t care for weddings.  and no part of me wants to be one of those “pretty brides” on my “special day”.  though i can make a sacred vow with the one i love.  i guess i find my own middle ground.  i guess i am not one who cares much for traditions or following the ways of others.  i carve out my own way.  not sure why i am even talking about this in the first place.  i suppose it’s an aversion vent, tis all.  venting helps me out.  and i don’t judge people who are into these traditions and rituals and being a part of the group mind surrounding them, just as i don’t judge those who believe in religious gods, or whatever it is i don’t believe in that is part of culture.  i can live side by side with differences in harmony.  the aversion is not needing anything from what it has aversion to.  ok, well maybe it does want to take down what is counterfeit.  what was created by malevolence, greed, and the desire to dupe, yet remains secret.  there’s that aspect too.  but i don’t care to talk about it anymore.  so many layers, and none of them i shall ignore.  this blog is weird.  i need to stop writing it.  i am in a strange emotional space.  time to get to into the poses, silence the mind….return to grace…