wow i just went on two okcupid dates in a row, talking to nobody in between about them, not processing any of it, till right now. one last night. and one this evening. i feel incredibly weird. i don’t date, except in these odd spurts. what did i learn this time around? that i am getting better at saying, no i don’t feel it. and that love is brutal, man. just brutal. date number one we were mirrors for each other. friends. not the one. he was really into astrology and it was fun to talk shop with him. there was a small mutual attraction, and we both were open and clear about not feeling a relationship between us. so it was neat that way. we hung out probably too long, but i think i needed to get exhausted like that. i needed to dive into somebody else’s problems and universe. we talked a lot about our exes and commiserated. i drank a touch too much. and saying goodbye was kinda funny and sad at the same time. i might even miss him, oddly. as we parted at the bus stop i said, “we’ll probably never see each other again,” and then waved goodbye silently. did not sleep well last night. it was hot. the morning out on capitol hill at 7 am is a ghost town. greasy paper plates strewn everywhere in a splatter, tossed carelessly on the ground by drunken twenty somethings, went up onto instagram. the entire day felt like those paper plates. laying on my bed in the cruel heat like a thirsty seal. couldn’t get enough water to drink. pitta outbreak. i am unraveling i think. second date was supposed to be at the park but it was so hot i asked him to meet me in the air conditioned cafe instead. he, just like date number one, looked much different than his online picture. he felt different than i thought he would. we had great conversations about healing, myth, art, wisdom. at one point he took my hand. his was cool to the touch, like water from the island on which he grew up. i knew immediately in that moment that i did not want him, but i let him hold my hand anyway. there was an energy exchange, that although wasn’t romantic, felt special. like the way drinking a cold glass of water on a hot day feels. i realize for me it’s all about smell. if i don’t feel it for a guy, it’s because of how he smells. if i do, it is because of how he smells. so strange. i have all these standards about who i want to live my life with, as my partner…and yet when it comes down to it, it’s all about how he smells and makes my body feel. animal and spirit, right? date number two, i knew would be disappointed when i told him i did not feel it. so i got scared, but knew i must do it, as a strong female. i must not be passive, just say it, and let him take it like a man, i thought to myself while chewing a piece of fried tofu. which he totally did when i said, i feel friendship. and then we wound up venting about okcupid profiles and dating. i could sense his hurt and it mirrored mine, but then all of the sudden, it didn’t. i realized in that moment, that i got sugar colored glasses on, as i was telling him, it’s wrong until it’s right, and one day love just shows up in your life. i felt pretty content inside, even though both dating and love are brutal. oh yeah, that’s right, i forgot how with date number one, we both have saturn in the fifth house. it was such a comfort to relate to somebody else who takes love as serious as i do. and who also suffers from karmic relationship after karmic relationship putting you to your knees. i guess not everybody’s lives are as dramatic…or are they?