my friend just had a baby. two of my other friends are getting puppies. one friend just moved into a new home that feeds her heart. i am happy for everybody’s increase of love. me, if i am lucky, will get a roommate. this is said sarcastically, as i struggle in the grist of my growth, to change my lifestyle. might need to be patient. the strength card. but at least i know what i want. more nature. a mate. an animal. creature love. no longer want to be the city priestess living alone in her ashram. i have given up on finding the mate though. well…not given up. just letting go. no mojo there right now, no flow. the dough is still rising. the sun is not yet shining. walking away. we went to bainbridge yesterday. glorious day. felt like i lived there. knew in my heart the island girl wants out. peace in the body. feet in the salt water. pleasure on the lips. openness in my hips. it made sense. but nothing affordable was for rent. back to the grist. the hill. the sacred groove. a strong will. still building fire and paying my dues. still wearing the same two pairs of shoes. waking up sad and going to yoga, running, working, until i become non-afflicted by what is not given. until happiness emerges from the inside. driven to enlighten. the everyday mystic, learning my lessons. seeing through the veil does not make me that different. earthquake article about seattle, popping up all over the internet. feeling like if i go through it, i’ll be ok, either way. death is a grand journey i look forward to taking. and if i live, i will be here to guide and help rebuild. the scary part of going through it is no big deal. fear is bleeding out of my pores, invisibly, says the pearl in her making. not sure where i belong anymore. what island, or if one. and belonging to a man feels like sand through the cracks of fingers. my friends have mates, kids, animals, and do the human thing. but me, even though i too have human skin, belong to nobody or nothing….outside. belonging is a song. the hum of my soul. the way that i flow. letting go of needs and seeing they are nothing more than mental stories, while still honoring the creature self and her glory. (she wants some nature dammit!) she wants new life. but the grist is the grist, so keep the chin up and get more sun-kissed. keep strengthening and brightening. at his house last night, in a sudden flash on the dirty floor, doing downward dog and plank like a jaguar. jaguar took form in my muscles and bones, shapeshifting into my human throne. jaguar is my mate, my pet, my nature, my home. a new dawn is birthing. transformation takes time. trust in the ever moving mystery of nature as divine….and myth shaping into the moment….