sunday speckles of thought…

rapid changes continue.  now i know i must live by the water.  sea salt water.  hoping for bainbridge island.  don’t want to have to go further.  but will, if need be.  this shift is in the body.  feeling everything.  feeling the water call me, need me.  not shops, bars, restaurants, city streets.  need a break from all that.  the calling to talk with earth is growing.  it’s not the meaning of life that matters.  it’s the meaning of earth that matters.  it’s not about me.  it’s about she.  mother earth.  her water voice.  and so i shall trust the flow of the water to open the space i need as a home, to be near.  this is all i know.  wanting to make more money but maybe the artist needs to keep sacrificing this for the low paying heart felt work to support me as i create?  i don’t know.  he says i really need to want money to bring more in.  i can do that.  i can want money.  right?  yes.  more money equals more ability to travel and time to create art.  turning the magnets around.  doing my part.  embracing the goat climb up the mountain.  facing every fear and dissolving it with love.  dreams at night these past two days, pure shadow.  violence, abuse, sex, murder, illness, betrayal.  every form of hurt, injustice, pain, and sick pleasure you could imagine, packed into two dreams in two nights.  and me, bringing love to the shadow.  because this is the call.  to love all that has been hidden away and denied or blamed.  all of it, all of it.  this is the artist call.  no more spiritual separation.  life is suffering, buddha said.  what he meant is that in this realm of flesh you cannot escape death, illness, violence, abuse, betrayal, the loss of innocence.  the human shadow is real, as is the shadow of all of nature in this realm of blood and earth.  can you accept it?  can you forgive?  acceptance and forgiveness do not equal excusing by any means.  it simply means you accept it exists and you forgive the pain.  i do.  i have no religion in me, no dogma, no expectations.  no hard grip.  i am naked, loose, transparent and free.  do i sound like a hippie?  i don’t care.  sick of society’s trap of turning every ideology into an image.  i am who i am.  people only call me spiritual because those are the words used. being a mystic is really only about embracing nature fully, sensitive to all the layers, and listening to life speak.  listening to all the voices of nature.  not just the pretty ones.  though due to my five planets in libra, i will make it all pretty in the end.  beauty is my best friend.  so be it and so it is.  me babbling is all this is.  random thoughts.  culminations.  ruminations.  city exhaustion.  tired of the flat screen tv nature of humans.  even me.  feeling like putting on my fins.  paddle board, can you be my fins?  water, bring me home.  true love as water works for now.  surrendering to what life gives me and what i give life.  watching the clouds unbutton revealing blue sky.  exalting rebirth.  both eyes awake in the dream.  accepting that i am a mammal with legs.  gonna take them running through the city now.  grateful for the motion.  cause soon i will be dead.  well, hopefully not soon soon, but you know what i mean.  these bodies are temporary.  which only makes me love my body more.  impermanence, the point of this experiment….