just an unpoetic update….

the part about me leaving is set in the cells.  the part about where i am going is yet to be revealed.  it could be very close to seattle, or very far.   it could be a suburb or island just off the puget sound, or something tropical like florida or hawaii.  looking up jobs.  thinking of places.  knowing there’s always portland too.  desiring to work for a winery, brewery, or distillery, or something with farming food.  realized that i am not longer going to wait for a man anymore.  realized i have always done that.  waited for true love.  my heart is fully broken now though.  so broken i cannot wait.  don’t get me wrong, i still believe the love of my life is here, real, in the flesh.  he can derail me at any moment in my life, and i pretty much would enjoy the process….yet the difference is, i am not waiting.  because my heart is too broken to wait. too broken by the wrong men, the men who can’t love, the men who don’t want to love me, the long years alone, the past, the weariness, the lessons, the madness, the complications.  there’s no more hurt left to occur.  and it makes me feel stronger.  because i have forced myself to feel all of this self love and acceptance for the way things are, and not depend on the love of man for anything.  pulled myself inside of myself to the place where love has healed the major wounds and the story lines have all fallen into the sea.   it’s just time to move on from that old me.  i am a complicated woman but love is not complicated.  only fear messes love up, and it wont be my fear doing the messing up.  hence, i shall not wait or pine or do any of my old tricks.  the right love will say, we must be together!  and that’s it.  i shall look for new digs, new work and a lifestyle that better suits this human skin.  too much city got me down.  too much of the same thing.  gypsy heart ready to roll into a new life.  i still love seattle and washington too.  more drawn to it than oregon.  but open.  i applied for a concierge position in miami, just for the hell of it.  cracking the mind open.  want to open my eyes, and see something new outside my window.  gotta get it all out of my head.  the wishing.  and live what i can make happen.  who knows what this is.  wherever i go, creating, healing, writing, loving, growing.  he is welcome in anytime.  love will speak when it chooses.  until then it’s me alone per usual.  done kicking and screaming.  used to it.  crying is not a big deal.  letting go of the resistance.  the trees call.  so does the ocean.  but i know, there is a specific place i am meant to be.  i can feel destiny already built.  i can feel my future already lived.  and these eyes of the present simply cannot see it.  do they ever?  so i ask the universe to guide me in that clever way the universe does.  learning the lesson of not waiting, not doubting, not hesitating.  saying goodbye to what is hard to say goodbye to.  the grief and sorrow side by side with the exuberance of tomorrow…