post-self babble….

one of those nights, like it’s been this week…joy and sorrow taking turns.  not wanting to feel my feelings. not these ones.  these ones are not my usual feelings i am used to feeling full on, exploration of the shadow feelings.  these feelings are vulnerability.  an oyster out of it’s shell, sitting still alive on a city sidewalk feelings.  uncomfortable.  embarrassing.  oh well.  no big deal.  some of the feelings are not not a big deal though.  wanting so much for the people i love to be happy.  it’s a compulsive moon in libra need.  watch it with my hawk eyes.  never thought i would be happy enough to suffer seeing those i love not happy.  weird.  different person.  hanging out in a bar i have outgrown with an ancient friend whose life, magic, and wisdom seem to de-layer me these days.  stop running away from the magician.  the rebellion is fruitless.  let in the sushine, moonlight, earth, wind, water.  let in the sacred mother and father.  feel my inner marriage of masculine and feminine.  become determined about this.  knowing i need change.  but cannot leave my responsibilities.  also feel so much loyalty.  i am a loyal wolf till the end.  do i need to be by the water?  where do i belong?  i don’t know.  i don’t work from the outside in.  oozing my raw sentimentality out, and feeling exposed.  that raw oyster.  human without a skin.  can i be this way more and more?  what habits am i ready to be free of next?  what is my true balance.  these questions and more.  wishing for clarity but knowing it’s all the moon right now.  and steps up the mountain.  disoriented by change.  a bit too sentimental for the game.  new tool, i am ready for you.  sweating it out until i am new again.  don’t even know what i am saying.  loss of belief in myself again.  just a passing feeling.  only the brainwash having it’s way with me.  rise venus rise, i am rising.  jupiter expand my love.  these tears are a watery release.  eat another banana and some olives.  go for a jog in the morning.  you feel the truth, it’s just scary to recognize.  means surrender and sacrifice.  seeing the good in everything bad.  seeing the curse in every gift.  love does not care.  love loves all of it.  love is all i know.  that’s how the feelings flow.  i said i would return home and feel my feelings, knowing i was discombobulated.  wanting to avoid something sauntering its way right up to my heart.  suddenly feeling the soily coverage over my chest.  how i have been buried in too many concepts.  feelings push through them.  i am human.  earth, air, fire, water, star, ethers, astral and even farther farther far.  z at the top of his cell phone tower, getting his dick sucked by a loveless shell of a human being, thinking this is what will make happiness.  sorry, that got harsh.  i am all over the place.  yet the center is here, radiating the entire time…from which the story begins…