theatrics of the heart on thursday…

so excited for tonight.  i get to see the band “book of love” live!   and dance to eighties music at a gay bar!  this is one of my favorite things to do on earth.  and i have not done it in….gee….years.  it’s a rare thing these days.  but i love it, and i love it even more when it’s celebrating pride with my gay brothers and sisters.  i feel like such a gay man on the inside, sometimes.  anyhow, it will be good cause i have not socialized in a week.  it’s been all work, research, and the sacred groove routine, with plenty of emotions coursing through, since mars went into cancer.  have not cried or anything.  but feeling extreme tenderness.  waves of fear.  and also, an odd morbid streak.  i keep feeling like, if i were to die today, i would be ok with it.  call it morbid, call it equanimity…call it what you will.  all we do is rent this life, and i am ok with it.  not too attached, i guess.  then, i get attached in lightning strikes of emotion.  why am i so unfocused?  why can’t i start and complete any creative projects?  i don’t know.  my heart lacks the inspiration.  but then it fills with inspiration.  that’s the thing.  the waves are constant.  and gumption small.  so be it.  keep on, keeping on, getting up each time i fall.  make the flower of life crystal grid.  wear the amber.  take the sasquatch pictures.  keep considering the plot.  go to work.  do yoga even though it’s hot.  blah blah blah.  non-attachment races back in.  renting this life for a limited time only feels peaceful to me.  oh so peaceful.  i love that i die.  i love that this life is temporary.  i am an inside-out t-shirt.  happy to die, not out of suicidal feelings or anything of the sort.  being human is rich.  interesting.  all of us, pretending to be forever separate skin enclosed beings.  hahaha.  it’s hilarious!  watching madonna interviews, and that woman is so attached to her life, her career, her children…is what i gather from the interviews.  it’s why i like watching them.   polarity seeks itself.  she is in polarity to me in certain respects.  so is a bigot.  that polarity is hard to look at.  it’s really hard to look at bigots.  how can you be so cruel, bigots?  how can you really think your skin color, your sexuality, your religion, or whatever the case may be, is better than the ones different than you?  it’s like, bigotry is a cancer cell, breaking away from the truth of our oneness and equality, wanting to insert sovereignty.  yuck.  like incest, yuck.  like murder and war and rape and slavery, yuck.  so much anger, disgust, sorrow, pain, for the way people can be so fucking cruel.  during this mars in cancer phase, i want to express my emotions about it.  no repression allowed.  the desire is to get rid of every hateful violent bigot person and free the human race of their disease.  i know “eye for an eye” is not the way.  this is how peace makes things complicated. peace forces another solution. i don’t know what it is, but i keep hearing a message in my head that says, “when you change, what you perceive will change.”  though sometimes nature does use death as a solution.  or like, a protective mamma cheetah will kill any threat to her cubs.  it’s confusing.  being human is intense.  complex painful complications to contend with on a daily basis.  the spectrum from bliss to despair, felt in the beating tenderness of this skin enclosed body…i dunno.  i don’t know anything today.  well, that’s not true.   i know love.  i know beauty.  i know compassion.  i know feelings.  i know forgiveness.  i am learning acceptance and letting go.  i don’t know solutions to the mess we are in, this is true.  but i am open to knowing.  anyhow….sigh….no clean ending…