filling in the gaps and questioning purpose….

can’t stop reflecting upon my uranus squaring uranus transit, that just started one month ago, and lasts until early 2017 i think.  it’s the mid-life crisis transit, and feels as mammoth as the saturn return, that hits in the late twenties.  this transit is also a rite of passage into new life.  it can feel like crisis.  or not.  i don’t feel crisis per se.  but i do feel like i am hungry for a big change from the inside out.  talked to some guy last night who just had a kid with his wife and was telling me to have one too.  (he did not want to feel so alone.)  but no part of me wants to have a baby.  i have no desire to me a mom.  if i ever become a mom it would be a step-mom or i would adopt, and it would be destined in a way my desire can not see right now.  for i feel zero need to have a baby come out of my body, or to raise a child in any way.  just not interested.  i don’t relate.  not all women have the mother instinct.  but i do have it.  just not for children.  i feel mothering energy toward the world.  i feel like a spiritual mother.  and it feels to me like this early forties transit has a lot to do with going from being self focused, to more focused on others.  i feel more desire to give because i got myself figured out.  there’s nothing left about me i have not analyzed to death, understood to completion, and pondered to the zenith.  i know that’s not the case for so many people who spend their earlier years being external focused.  for me, i spent my earlier years inward, healing, and just began to face the external world a few years ago.  now i have a greater desire to share and give what i am able.  there’s that.  and there’s the desire for partnership too, per usual.  and not much else.  i still feel like a forever young artist who enjoys being out and romping around the city, even if i am also craving to move into more seclusion…but i really don’t know if that’s me.  i really don’t know how much of my life gets to be about what i want, verses about where i am needed. that’s the thing.  i feel like i am here to be helpful, to give, to sacrifice a lot of my desires for the greater good.  not to an extreme.  i think it’s about balance.  i think what this transit has me reflecting, is about purpose and joy on a deeper level.  not the level of pleasure and the happiness that stems from pleasure.  it seems that has not been the way my life has moved.  i am more moved by purpose than pleasure.  i mean, i do experience lots of pleasure though.  i have fun times, and am fortunate.  but it’s not really about that for me, deep down.  deep down, it’s about giving, helping, catalyzing, and waking up more and more to give more and more awakened energy to others, to this reality.  what this means or looks like in detail does not make itself so clear to me.  i do my best as a healer, as a priestess, as a friend, and as an artist.   though i think i lack focus and motivation still.  it’s hard to bring to life the bigger visions.  the days come and go so quickly, and the big visions stay ethereal, or come out in chunks and fragments, but still lack the momentum i crave.  this is the main thing i feel.  i did it once, by writing my first novel.  so i know i can do it.  but it feels really challenging these days.  i get scared.  i don’t want to just live like a creature.  there’s more.  there is vision.  my desires are rooted more in these visions, than in the creature living of daily care taking, pleasure and pain.  guess i still lack the confidence and focus that i truly need to transform into what uranus wants.  i will keep working on it.  baby goat steps up the mountain.   i like being a creature too.  don’t get me wrong.  i am not a fanatic in any way.  i guess i am sorting things out in my brain.  i know this blog is boring.  but i wanted to get this stuff out of my system.  the creative blogs will return tomorrow.  in the meantime, have you questioned your values lately?  and is there a gap between what you desire and what you are capable of?  ok, that’s all.  time to go to work…