long long true love babbling brook blog….

i had so much to say before i got here and started writing.  what’s up with that?  on my walk to the cafe, i was thinking of everything i wanted to write about, concerning romantic love….and now, i sit here like, “duh…….”

let’s see if i can recover my ideas….

was thinking about how i am at this point in my life, at age forty two….where i don’t feel naive about romantic partnership.  oh yes, that’s right, i remember…i was thinking about how i am a “no machine” right now.  and this is because i am no longer naive.  i am finally able to say no to all the wrong people.  no to the guys who just want sex.  no to the guys who want to feed off my energy.  no the guys i am not really attracted to but said yes to cause i did not believe anyone else would come along.  and no to the guys who i am attracted to but who, on an essential level, are not healthy for me, who do not support my true self…

before i learned how to say no…i spent a bunch of years distilling down what my standards are, while dumping all of my expectations.  what’s the difference?  standards are what you need and expectations are what you want.  that’s one way to look at it.  another way is…standards fulfill your growth and happiness, while expectations fulfill desires that are more superfluous.  to be able to differentiate standards from expectations requires a lot of self love and self awareness.  it took me years to understand what my standards really are.  i feel like sharing them…

for us: mutual natural sexual chemistry and deep expression, unconditional love and acceptance of each other’s natures and needs, good communication-my best friend, lots of affection, balancing temperaments, ability to understand one another even if it takes effort, similar values, and to domesticate together…

in him: present and mindful/or on the path of becoming this, animal lover, gentle hearted, warm hands, silly and playful, generous and giving, cares about the planet and humanity, communicative and curious, spiritual in whatever way works for him-even if it’s just something felt and not investigated on any mental level, open and liberal minded, health conscious, emotionally mature, makes me laugh, easy going temperament, honest, trustworthy, reliable, consistent, sweet, does not want kids or has raised them already (or raising, i am open to being a step-mom if it was destined), and enjoys the idea of domesticating and believes in true love-a romantic.

too much to ask?  well, that’s the thing. i have become so self sufficient, and so used to being without a partner, that i would rather be alone than settle for somebody who does not fully feel right to be with.  being without a partner is not horrible.  i mean, don’t get me wrong, i am a die hard romantic who feels true love to be the sweetest gift on earth….at the same time, i have found moderate peace and contentment alone and on a very practical level…i have learned that i am miserable in a partnership that does not allow me to fully be myself.  my essentials basically are there as a foundation for me, to make sure i can be myself.  for the one thing i have messed up with again and again over the years is….sacrificing who i am to serve my partner….

in little or big ways…from moving to some place that is not really me, to being less affectionate than i really am, or less spiritual, or less sensitive, or whatever the case may be….i have always oppressed aspects of myself in the past, to be with a man.  and this is what i have outgrown over the years….

maybe i am writing this because i just started my year and half long uranus squaring uranus transit…otherwise known as “the mid-life crisis”.  this blog is sort of a marking point to say….sure, at this point in my life, romance has not panned out.  i have not found a great long lasting love with a partner, and the relationships i have been in have all been lessons to help me heal, transform and grow…and this is where the success dwells…

i feel i have achieved healing and i am done with it, as much as one can be in solitude and learning from lesson oriented partnerships.  i know who i am, what i need, and what i am looking for.  i have discovered love within and hence, i am not needy for partnership.  dare i say, i have ripened into a woman who can offer a golden type of love?  yes, i do say…that my mid-life is not a crisis.  it’s an awakening.  for…

i can offer a realistic love that honors her man in all of his light and shadow aspects, i can offer a generous love that gives from a place of unconditional love, i can offer a playful love that stems from having worked through all my shit for the most part, i can offer a wise love that stems from awareness and age, and i can offer a succulent present mind-body connected love, that is able to settle, root, and grow into timeless memories…..true love at it’s finest.  how’s that for a halmark card?

this is not to say that i don’t experience my share of insecurities, and still have healing to do once in partnership, for true love is not just about pleasure, or any walks into sunsets…it’s about being so safe with one another, or becoming so safe with one another, that you can mirror each other’s deepest stuff, in order to bring it to awareness for healing…and that’s the powerful alchemy of sexual love at it’s finest…so i would not want to be perfect…

and speaking of not wanting to be perfect…i have pretty much finally accepted my flaws, and sure as hell hope he has his flaws to bring to our union….

i find myself laughing….there is a levity today….and my tush hurts from sitting in this chair writing this long-ass blog…so time to wrap it up…

finis!