i just read one of my blogs from christmas. made me feel depressed. i hate christmas to be honest. i don’t hate people who love it, and i don’t hate that it is loved…i just hate everything about its veneer i guess. i hate that a big jolly old white man in a scary red and white suit, is a hero. i hate how it’s about presents and a tree that was killed to be decorated pretty. i hate how growing up jewish makes all the christmas people not understand me. i could go on…but the thing is, i don’t hate it fervently or anything. i don’t have a vendetta against it. it’s just something i hate and forget about. until it starts arriving early. which it did this morning. on facebook. no offense to the person who feels totally different and has totally different beliefs than me. i respect you loving christmas and you posting a meme about it. i respect your christmas loving self even if when i saw the meme that said, “only twenty fridays till christmas,” i cringed with ick. i mean, it was visceral.
partly due to the retail aspect too. again, i totally respect if you love shopping for christmas gifts, and i value your tradition….but i get anxiety about how crowded it gets in the store. well, that’s not entirely true. last christmas (i gave you my heart) it was actually really fun to work. specially when we work in pairs, i ring and santa’s little vajra gal wraps (cause i hate wrapping.) yeah, that was a fun insane week. we ate a lot of chocolate. and you know, whenever i am in a home with a christmas tree lit up, and christmas spirit all around me, it feels very warm and cozy. i love lights and the spirit of over indulgence. christmas to me, i guess would be…sitting around a lit up tall unkilled thing, over indulging with the people i love. but nobody is forced to get gifts for anybody. the gift is the time we all get to hang out and be loose, laugh, catch up, feel the love.
last christmas ( i gave you my heart) i also recall taking a walk, knowing i would walk by the homeless and feel tormented by my inability to make peace with this world. i kept a ten dollar bill in my hand to give to somebody, and when the first guy asked for it, i gave it to him. he had that meth energy about him. i thought to myself as i kept on walking, “he’s probably gonna go by drugs with that. oh well, it’s christmas, go by drugs and forget this stickin reality for ten minutes. have that experience, it’s christmas.” trying to make sense of it. then came the part that hurt. a homeless man with a shopping cart, looking gentle, thirsty. he didn’t ask me for money. i did not give him any money. soon as i passed him i was angry with myself. but i did not turn around and go give him money. i felt paralyzed with fear, i think. i saw myself in him. i thought of how it would feel if it was me. it made me run away from him. but the guy who was on meth, i could not relate to as much, plus, i had the money in my palm, so i could do it fast. isn’t that shitty?
it’s hard to not judge myself about this. oh, and also, here i am, contemplating all of this to begin with. a luxury. privilege. it’s not right. everybody deserves the luxury to contemplate life. not just people with enough money to buy free time. everybody deserves a happy life. a happy life is not bought, and yet, so much of it is. maybe my resistance toward christmas is how it’s only wonderful if you have both loved ones, and enough money for food and shelter to enjoy it. not everybody has loved ones. this should not be a luxury either.
maybe the hatred is partly due to being raised jewish and feeling left out on christmas. though i never really wanted to be christian, i do recall having a little fake tree in my room, with lights around, i kept illuminated year round.
whatever, who cares.
point being, i read that old christmas blog because somebody had read it earlier today. i always read the ones people have read that day, taking it in as a sign. and then the christmas meme earlier today too…
i wonder what it all means?
think i know.
i must bring the beloved into my eyes and look upon the entire world this way, through the eyes of the beloved, forever and ever. that’s the solution. rumi tells me so.
i feel like the beloved loves and hates. hate is not the absence of love. hate is more like a very strong aversion. some people say things like, “don’t say hate. you shouldn’t hate. don’t be a hater.” which is valid too, though i feel there’s a resistance there…toward hate. toward the “shadow” element of being human. all the feelings that nobody likes looking at, that get cast into the shadowy hidden regions of consciousness. when i say hate, i mean it, and…i feel it like a child. remember being a kid and saying hate? it only lasts a few minutes, and then it’s gone. no big deal. true hatred is not a threat. only when hatred turns into racism, sexism, predjudices of all forms, and power over others in all its “have verses have not” forms, does it become dangerous. there’s a lot of that in this world, and i don’t blame anybody for fearing the feeling of hate, as a result. yet the only way past fear is through it. judging is not a way through. accepting is.
i may not like the hate feeling, but i accept it….and my love for hate, keeps it safe and innocent…
this blog was inspired by bill hicks. he was brave, as the best comedians are, about revealing his honest feelings and thoughts. this is me, revealing mine, i suppose. hope you don’t hate me for hatin’, and if you do, love the feeling for the few minutes it lasts…