so relieved mercury is going direct today. this retrograde has been particularly challenging to my heart, maybe cause of saturn dipping back into scorpio for the summer, and facing all that stuff i don’t feel like talking about. still feeling like i don’t have much to say. ladeeda, as anne sexton puts it, chiming into my head today. craving waterfalls, oceans, rivers…every kind of water. sitting in a jacuzzi in the snow. floating in the salty sea under the hot sun. my mermaid fins are taking over my feet. makes me remember this one time, at my friends mexico wedding, when we plunged our naked bodies into the sea at three am, after too much tequila, after the celebration…and i started swimming away from everyone, wanting to go home. that only lasted for a minute of course, otherwise i would not be here typing. just feeling that call right now. to go home to the water. maybe it’s the city streets sucking the moisture from my body like a sponge. or it’s arid summer evaporating the wetness of spring. wish i had a car and could get out to the sea today. wish wish wish. instead i will sweat out what water is left in me on the mat, in the muggy hot room. i guess. then direct my thoughts toward work and do my best. life is funny. how, no matter what, we stick to these routines. whether you are rich or poor, you have your routine. go to bed. get up and do it again. it’s always been hard for me to surrender to this. my spirit wants so badly to be spontaneous one hundred percent of the time. as if my spirit is spontaneity itself, manifest. though routine soothes. i have found comfort it in its lullaby. and what routine creates is beautiful. beautiful structure and human gifts to this world. sigh. every little thing has its gift and curse. and longing is what i feel today. so much longing that my physical heart is tingling and sizzling. surely after an hour of yoga, the longing will be satisfied, right? never. as i always mention, kd says longing is all we have. i love my longing. with it i will create. simple thoughts like peas on a plate. been wearing my jewish star necklace the past few days. it’s weird. never have i felt my ancestral line, as i do now. as if the very first human in my line, is inside of my heart right now, living through me. probably a good time to do some healing. yes, that’s right. i told my back pain on saturday, i would acknowledge her voice. my ancestry is getting my attention through physical sensations. so down the rabbit hole i go. jesters in pink camel elevator hats topple over sadistic gnats. huh? oh, that was just an unraveling sentence. do you ever do that? try it. write whatever comes out. like this: terrible unknown broken dishes eat summer for dinner. see that? it’s fun. have a little fun why don’t you. it’s summer. and you could die today. i know! i am gonna read shell silverstein poems today….by some water. even if that water is just a puddle of piss on cement made by a homeless man. just kidding. oh how sad….what’s gotten into me?