if a paperclip was a blog…

denver?  coming up again.  change.  coming up again.  no answers.  only the tower card.  the falling away of what no longer serves.  the bigger pot for the plant.  the new direction.  i don’t know anything yet.  open to whatever it is.  doing my best to watch the anxiety searing my nerve endings when i indulge in thinking.  crisis in the inner and outer worlds.  peace and equanimity.  polarity.  don’t even know what i am saying.  yes i do.  let’s get real.  if world events bring on inner and outer crisis, i will be a calm strong force.  that’s what i am trying to say.  if i am meant to leave seattle, i will.  if i am meant to stay, i will.  this is not shirking my choice making abilities.  meant to be is a calling i feel inside that causes me to choose.  i only choose the inner calling.  the one time i didn’t, i broke my ankle.  this is why i must not get attached.  the sun is warm and sky hot blue every morning now.  back to long walks and jogs with headphones.  how i love the sun.  summer in the morning.  this blog sucks.  i should not even post it.  i feel lazy and cryptic anyhow.  but maybe post it, just for the practice.  feeling like a lone blossom fallen to the ground.  a dogwood blossom.  talking to a woman who passed away a week ago.  talking to the blood lineage of my past.  wanting to give voice to a story needing acknowledgement.  needing out.  needing to be in the right place to write.  city life.  what are you?  draining.  convenient.  sometimes inspiring.  comfort zone.  walking to the class, to work, to the grocery store, to the park.  walking walking walking.  truly, i have nothing to say.  i don’t know who i am anymore.  i don’t have any identifications inside.  on the outside, i look the same, aside from the tan skin and blond hair.  i will go to my job, yoga, meet my friends, write, the usual.  nobody can detect the dissolution happening inside.  and the feeling that i am about to walk upon a spaceship, whatever that means.  it’s weird when you are already not abiding by cultural rites of passage.  when you have no desire to raise kids and have a family.  when true love is spiritually based and you are not looking for a future father to children.  when the mystical element wants all of you, but you have to keep one foot in the practical.  when you wonder if you are even needed here.  lonely feminine.  dangling yin.  that’s just doubt and vulnerability waking up and sinking in.  don’t worry about the tenderness intensity.  i know you do.  who am i talking to?  discombobulation.  tricks.  the fox.  i dunno.  i feel scared.  but it’s alright.  new life is all that’s birthing, and with it, comes death.  laugh it off, cry it out, and hit the reset…