first day deep thoughts return….

another blog written from the patio, while watching joey the cat.  i hear some cooing that sounds like an owl, and planes soaring over head, along with about three other bird chirping sounds.  i love it.  the wild life preserve of my parent’s patio, filled with birds, lizards, and bunnies.  oh, and joey, a creature we cannot allow to be free, lest she be eaten by a coyote.  saw the movie “san andreas” last night with my folks, and was gripped the entire time, tears streaming down hot cheeks, terrified, calling upon my spiritual posse, and turning it into a lesson (of course) about bravery….that if i was in in the midst of cataclysm, i would be brave, strong, and smart.  kinda funny, how with the way society is now, all put together by fucked up bricks of deceit, i feel less desire to be brave…then if i think about shit hitting the fan.  if i think about mother earth bringing mass destruction, i feel brave and strong, determined to help others, to survive and rebuild.  sometimes i feel like that’s why i came here, to facilitate this change.  but lately, i feel like the cataclysmic transformation wont happen till after i am dead.  it’s gonna happen at some point.  and for many, it has already happened.  it just happened in nepal.  so last night, i wound up dreaming about being on a ferry boat with my friend kathleen, and getting tossed into a tsunami, surviving it, and planning for the next hit.  all smart and strong, just like the characters in the movie.  my subconscious was activated.  metaphorically speaking, this dream could be a simple heralding of change.  humans fear change, resist it, and when it comes, it hits like the tower in the tarot deck, with a total loss of the feeling of security.  so be it.  and so it is.  i just keep opening myself to change.  very little part of me can seem to immerse in things like planning a solid career life, or planning for a practical future with 401k’s and stuff like that.  my way, is to stay focused in the now, on the bigger picture, the soul level, and letting go of attachment to the worldly stuff, while still participating in it fully.  embracing both, the ultimate mantra.  my worldly job is soulful, though i make hardly any money, i have found a way to participate that makes sense to me.  it’s not that i have an aversion to worldly ambitions, it’s just that it’s not my top priority.  my ambitions are of a different sort,  having very little money doesn’t scare me…and i feel like when i need more i will find a way to make more.  so be it.  and so it is.  divine trust?

the other interesting theme of this trip has been watching movies about tortured artists who died at 27, both rejected and unwanted by their families.  kurt cobain and marilyn monroe.  excellent movies.  sad.  neither kurt or marilyn could handle being alive.  their feelings could not find release or relief.  this world was too much for them.  i relate to their torture (under different past circumstances) but i took a spiritual path and transformed, no longer tortured.  i wasn’t born to be an iconic presence, die young, and have my human life turned into an immortal goddess by the masses.  i was born to transform torture into joy, and be a representative of this transformation.  marilyn and kurt were created by society, once they got into the lime light.  they were not strong enough to contend with society’s need to turn them into icons, draining their life force by drinking in a projected image of them, to feed society’s repressed unhappiness and desires.  it’s almost like, their wills were overpowered by the will of a collective shadow unconscious need to pedestalize torture as something beautiful and forever young.  pure delusion.  just as delusional as the family drama part of the “san andreas” movie, where the mom and dad save the daughter and the whole family reunites, to live happily ever after.  yeah, right.  nobody needs to work on themselves, they just need society to crash to make them realize what matters.  perhaps a nugget of truth can be found in this.  but either way, in today’s collective culture, either the shadow is glamorized, or the perfect version of happiness is glamorized.  neither is realistic or true.  but this polarized glamorization reflects our american teenage mentality.  will this culture grow up?  will the world culture grow up?  for it’s not just america.  it’s all of us…still living for a delusional version of happiness, and either fearing or glamorizing the shadow aspects of being a human being.  will the shadow and light stop being glamorized, at war, pitted against one another, seen as separate, feared, desired, turned into religious beliefs, tortured icons, cataclysmic movies, and every expression of living myth you can think of?  will the word “shadow” stop being the word for it, when this aspect of being human comes out from the shadows, due to the light of truth being shed upon it?  yes.  because change is inevitable.  though right now, it’s quite frustrating….i feel hope and a solid knowing, that the black and white reality we keep re-creating will transform into a full spectrum of color.  just like television once did…