death is blue….

yesterday i had a tummy virus that sucked the life force right outta me.  before surrendering to it, i took a long walk through my folks hood, which is a wild life preserve.  felt blissful listening to krishna das on my headphones while watching tons of bunnies, humming birds, quails, and lizards run to and from bushes, as the sun penetrated my skin deeply.  ninety degrees by eight am.  i love the dry desert heat.  met my friend afterward and felt so ill, could only eat a fruit cup and that was too much. by noon i could hardly stand up, and collapsed into pajamas for the entire day and night, a wreck.  tummy viruses seem to take every ounce of energy in the body and centrally locate it into the gut, like a bank hold up or something.  my dad said it was vegas.  i said maybe i was being his malady eater.  a metaphor for the sin eater he talked about in his last blog.  being an empath, i tend to do that, and as i was getting more sick, he was feeling better from a two month problem with his tummy.  well, it’s worth it, if that’s the case.  later in the afternoon my mom got a phone call.  her friend of twenty years died of an overdose.  she went out to dinner in shock, with my dad.  vegas is a strange place.  most people think of vegas as casino town, but for me, it’s filled with magic and pain.  the magic of vegas, is how i met my tribe here back in the nineties, and had a four year heyday at a cafe.  a time of life i would not trade in for a million bucks.  i also had my first life changing spiritual awakening here.  and in the desert, i always feel a profound peace i experienced the moment i stepped off the plane for the first time.  the pain is just as potent.  vegas is a gemini, meaning it has two distinct personalities.  for me, it’s pain personality is a feeling of flatness.  dullness.  emptiness.  a good place to give up.  a good place to die.  there’s this existential, bordering on nihilist feeling, where suddenly nothing matters.  tears can fall like the niagara and leave me dry, without care.  felt a morbid streak hit during the tummy virus yesterday and i thought to myself, “if i die today, that would be alright.”  it’s not really morbid though.  i suppose i am at peace with the day of my death happening any ole time.  many people want to live and cling to living, fearing death, except maybe depressed teenagers who glamorize death, and suicidal people who crave death.  i have been both of those in the past.  now, life feels joyful, albeit really hard and riddled with a continual stream of painful moments and cycles.  but i like it.  all of it, the pleasure and pain, the ups and the downs.  i like being me.  i like living.  though still, underneath my joy, is a peace and acceptance about dying any ole time.  i suppose that’s the inner gemini in me.  my two sides.  since mercury is retrograde in gemini right now, i feel it is important to contemplate gemini within.  your two sides.  my gemini is in the fifth house, the playful fun expressive child like creative house.  so my two sides express themselves in this way.  one side is very effervescent, loves to laugh, philosophize, imagine, and express, specially in the creative realm.  the other side is stoic, ready to leave this body at any moment…and can get so zoomed out, that meaning becomes irrelevant.  i don’t steep much in the latter, though vegas brings it out more.  perhaps because i relate to the stillness of the large clear blue sky.  i am that sky, inside.  and that sky is death.  because death is not the end.  it’s not grim.  it’s not finality.  death is blue and vast.  still and peaceful.  and it protects every ounce of life beneath it.  morning thoughts, written from the patio, where i watch joey the cat, making sure she doesn’t hop the fence…