marbles mistaken for words on a monday….

my heart is a humming bird right now….as i am having new responses to old patterns and it’s opening heart….revelation.  with my indiana jones quest for true love, i face the patterns, all up in my face….as experiences on repeat.  the old me reacts with a serious undertone of what i don’t deserve or am being starved of.  i have been knowing this for a while and weeding out the story line, by lovingly watching it, and not buying what it’s selling.  but the alchemy continues past this stage.  and i am experiencing it.  now, that old story does not emerge at all.  the weeds are gone.  and instead, the raw feeling emerges when triggered by an external experience.  raw feelings like shucked oysters scream for love within me, hurting.  so i give love to the oysters, while at the same time, laugh and say, “oh well” to mistakes or repeats or whatever the case may be.  alongside doing this, i focus on my creative life.  which is great, cause the creative life loves to burst forth from a secret place hidden inside of hurt.  it’s very mysterious, and what is emerging is exciting, and from this excitement i find more energy to give others and the world.  that’s why i am here, after all.  so like, i have streamlined an eclectic functional process for navigating through the shadow of hurt, and it feels comforting.  hurt is not a problem.  the sky is silky grey today.  and my heart knows that the love i seek, is both coming to me, and already inside of me.  the coming to me part is important.  we all have our karmas, yes?  i treasure my karma, my attachments, the illusion of me, the story evolving.  giving love to each particle of life as it expresses itself, and i am lover of the story.  don’t care no more if i die alone and unrecognized and all that blah blah blah.  it does not even matter what the outcomes look like.  there’s a fearless streak coursing through, like a pyrite spiral, to live from truth no matter the results.  here i am, detangling from as many deceitful webs as i can.  aware of where i keep messing up.  facing the cognitive dissonance.  here we go.  heart open.  throw the thoughts into the sea.  allow the mystery to be my impetus.  devi wild chaotic feminine dancing through my blood.  dahyana meditative peaceful masculine keeping me in tune with the greater good.  shiva and durga.  before shiva met durga he was alone and meditated all day and night, needing nothing and nobody.  and before durga met shiva, she rode her tiger all over, being the wild unpredictable force she is.  (of course, they are aspects of the same force, but for the sake of the story…..)  when they meet, she becomes parvarti, and they both settle into loving and giving.  i am too lazy to explain this any further.  some blogs are messy and make no sense.  or many of them.  some notes i leave are not even written in english.  whatever.  devi is needing release within.  and since i am in the city, i will have to be the nature beneath the concrete.  that’s today.  being the nature beneath…