nature and dating. the two things on my mind. went hiking yesterday with some friends and realize i must find a way to do this at least once a month, if not more. we climbed up a mountain with breath taking views, and i could literally feel my thoughts sink into the dirt, and my inner being quiet, as i found the humor of life, and peace. sometimes i wonder if i need to live a new lifestyle out of the city, because in nature, i am peaceful without a struggle. but i keep returning to the idea that i go where i am needed and let life take me there. i am more of a leaf on the river, than a navigating force. i tend to let myself be navigated in the world, and i prefer it this way. the internal world is my domain, and i am the supreme navigator there. we all have our specialities….
oh dating. making mistakes again and again. finding a sense of humor in this. realizing and learning. falling and growing from it. last night, talking with K, i realize i need to be with a partner who works on himself and is aware like me. there’s much less men than woman who are on the path, but there are men who are. my male friends are all on the path of self awareness, in their own way. i will have to hold out. because a man who is not on the path, who just lives in the external world of things, is not only terrified of me and the intimacy i am capable of, but just does not even really do it for me. i am not attracted to what is fragmented and disconnected. i understand that intimacy is scary, the kind i am seeking, and that my current thing of attracting men who fear it, is reflecting my own fear. and so i let go of it, and walk into the fear. bring it on.
in order to bring on the fear facing journey, i am willing to shiver, feel vulnerable, cry, look stupid, and everything else that comes with it. for, i have made the same mistake so many times, that sorrow turns to laughter, and doing it again, seems almost null and void. like, i can’t. the truth is a neon light flashing over the strip of my unconscious mistakes holding big plastic stupid cups, lulled by the glitz. nature grounds the truth. walking up that mountain grounded the truth. rocks, worms, bones, pines…ground the truth. i realized that my old story of making stories a big deal is also over. sure, i might have a serious constitution, which is inherent in this michelle personality…but i simply cannot react anymore, with tears and spinning, to stories. too much presence resides in these pine cone bones. keep on getting back up when i fall, and take things slow. eventually there he will be, facing me, and me him, and i will look back on these days with a grin.