why is intimacy scary? and what is intimacy?
intimacy is scary because we are taught in our culture and families that to get love we have to be all these things that are “good”, such as….happy, pretty, handsome, smart, talented, etc. and that these “good” qualities make us lovable, where as the rest of us, is unlovable. this is the conditioning. therefor, we hardly ever share our weaknesses, the tears, the anger, the confusion, embarrassment, weirdo stuff, loss of control stuff, flaws etc. and due to this split, where we share the “good” and hide the “bad” (even from ourselves), true intimacy is not formed (with ourselves either), because true intimacy is…
(first having true intimate self love….)
two people connecting in honesty, sharing all of themselves, through their hearts…through the body, through sex and affection, and through the mind, through conversation, values, and life course….but the core is the heart.
the core is being able to let somebody in all the way and to travel all the way into another heart. this ability to share your entire heart and share in another’s entire heart, is what intimacy is all about. this doesn’t mean you have to express your every feeling to your partner. it means more, you don’t hide part of your heart from them, fearful they will not love you anymore if they see your vulnerability.
it means that when you are having sex, you are not just trying to look hot and be sexy to get off and your partner off…nor does it mean you have sex disconnected from heart, going through the motions to get off, not really paying attention, getting it over with, or being automatic about it….it means, opening your heart during sex to allow your hearts to merge as your bodies merge. this is when sex becomes about connection and pleasure, not just pleasure. and when this connection happens during sex, a deep and special bond is made, that is the glue to romantic intimacy.
this is my take on it anyhow…and what i seek…and i know there is a sea of other issues i am not talking about that cause a rift in intimacy…i mean, this is an entire book of words i could write….but for now, just spewing a few thoughts…
i have, in the past, spent way too many years and too much energy reacting to the conditioning that i am only loved for what is good, and not loved for what is vulnerable and unattractive. took me years to feel self love and acceptance. i feel it now, though it can still be a struggle, cause i have some flaws that are potent. the love and acceptance is real and active i have for myself, alongside wishes that will always be there too, to be different. i think this is pretty natural for us all, and i am sure whomever my lover is to be, has his own version of this….we all do.
the key is to keep being honest and allowing love into all the vulnerable parts….because we are all a combination of what we like and don’t like, within ourselves…and the growth happens when we can love and accept what we don’t like that isn’t gonna change. this acceptance feels so good. i don’t have starve myself for a flat tummy, or take psyche meds to make the crankiness go away forever. i don’t have to mask my sensitivity with too much coffee, and i can find every flaw or not liked aspect of myself endearing. i can take care of myself lovingly and improve and grow every day, without this dumb idea that every flaw must vanish. i can love the flaws. by giving this freedom of love to myself, i can allow a partner to give me this too. if i could not give it to myself, how could i expect a partner to give it to me?
i am ready to give it to him too. to love and accept the aspects of him i don’t like, that he doesn’t like, or even to love and accept what i don’t like about him, that he likes. this is all very natural. we need to stop being pollyanna and searching for our dopplegangers like narcissists. i don’t want to partner with another me. that’s ridiculous. my guy might not like that i drape myself in stones, get panicked when i don’t get enough alone time, or get scared of things that seem so not scary, like a car going faster than 60 (random examples.) and i may not like how he blah blah blah. this stuff is all natural. real intimacy means to love and accept what you don’t like, within yourself and those you love.
one more thing i feel like mentioning about intimacy is….that it’s rooted in connection. connection is not about sameness or agreement even. this is counterfeit intimacy. connection is mysterious and makes no sense. it’s not pheromones either. pheromones are the base of physical attraction and necessary if you want a fulfilling sex life, but they don’t have anything to do with intimacy. you can have wonderful sex with somebody you have no intimacy with, due to pheromones. intimacy is a heart thing. purely. it cannot be defined by logic. it just is there, waiting to be unearthed by two people.
this unearthing is like a quest, because due to our human conditioning, layered in armor and fear of being ourselves, for whatever reason…in the west due to conditional love…in the east perhaps due to collective roles….however it manifests in detail…due to the fear of being honest, vulnerable, open, and free with who we really are within and connecting who we really are to the outer world and others….this unearthing in partnership is scary and takes courage, time, laughter, dedication, and tons of love…and is a journey.
i look forward to taking it. that’s me. i have a lot of courage now, and think it’s fun to be scared about letting a man all the way into my heart, through all the fear, and all the conditioning and armor built up. my fear is supple. and so his will be too….because we call to us vibrational matches. i can only bring to me, what i am…..so perhaps he too, knows hurt, and has his armor, is scared, but wants intimacy and romance and long lasting partnership as much as me, and also has the courage to be real, and an enthusiasm to be on the quest for true intimacy.
gonna have to face it, i am an indiana jones of love….