silence speaking loud and clear….

had a stomach ache and tears coursing through me all day yesterday.  all i could feel was death.  maybe what i really needed was an animal to love on, or a human to hold me.  some sort of creature warmth.  but in usual seattle fashion, i went buddhist, observed, wrote in a cafe, gave a reading, and taught a workshop.  all spiritual and detached.  with bouts of crying at the shop when sara went on lunch and i hid in the back.  slowly i gathered strength to be a guide.  coffee helped.  to top things off, the mentally ill homeless man walked into the workshop, which happened to be a small circle of magical women.  he was a problem about a week ago in the shop, and this is usual for the street.  not something i have been good at dealing with in the past.  i went into deer in headlights mode as ruby became the protective mamma.  there was slight drama, as he would not leave, and we heard them outside the door arguing.  me, scared.  still unable to tap into my warrior power.  the group worried.  he finally left and we had the most intimate group yet, in my opinion.  my heart opened more from the debacle, and to the community forming through these workshops.  we all let out feelings that hurt due to the nature of the topic.  it brought us closer together.  and afterward, one of the women gave me a good talk on being fierce when need be, after i shared with her how scared i was to do it, and how when the person is mentally ill, it brings up a lot of guilt and passivity.  she talked me into embracing my fear, and not running from it.  so much i am learning…though i tell you what, i would not mind a lesson amnesty day.  that homeless mentally ill guy really tugs at my strings, because i can tell he means well, but is sick and disconnected, and somehow i must learn how to protect the energy, even if it hurts his feelings, or sets off his aggression.  this is hard.  when a siren went off yesterday as i was walking, i found myself saying, “can’t we go one fucking minute without a crisis!”  it was a new york moment, where i bitched to myself out loud.  this is when i know i am tapped.  feeling the nepal earthquake, death, illness, ambulances, sirens, homeless, chaos, pain, suffering.  craving to get far far away from it all, to be with nature, to be silent, to find a tacit of reprieve.  now that i write this i recall in my dream last night, somebody telling me i needed silence.  it’s just a wave of overwhelm, is all.  it’s just durga training.  it’s just me getting stronger and more capable.  it’s just human life being grist, turning whomever is willing into pearls.  it’s just like what i told a women last night about being an empath….to not shut the feelings down.  do yoga, meditate, find false refuge in coffee if you need to, but do not shut the feelings down.  we need them too much.  for every person who avoids their feelings, the empath is making up for it.  we are all one organism, and as a whole, we balance one another out.  that homeless man needs help, he is not getting it.  but i still have to learn how to protect the energy.  durga has six weapons.  she can cry her tears of compassion, helping transmute the pain, and she can defend the energy with her fierce feminine knowing.  ah, but also take it easy, me.  get out of my own head, me.  simmer down, mercury is about to go retrograde.  be a tree, be a flower, be everything stable and natural and without a mouth….this is your tacit, if you allow it.  shhhhhhhh.  silence….