cloudy vague followed by a rant…

good morning grey soft spring sky.  a nice break from the blue sunshine sky.  might do all my work from home today.  feeling the hermit within.  this scorpio full moon has been intense.  for everybody.  do you feel it?  though i am not sure i ever talk about a time that isn’t intense.  maybe that word is on autopilot in my brain.  don’t think the buildings feel very intense.  each morning i wake up, and there they are, same as they were yesterday.  unchanging structures, windows for eyes, and little people inside, doing their thing.  had insomnia last night.  feeling restless for nature, think that’s why.  one of the not fun things is not having the money to take a cab into the deep forest, or to the sea, or by a lake, to rent a cabin, to truly get away.  but it’s ok.  i am working on non-distinction between external experiences, and withdrawing from the senses.  getting back to my meditation practice.  still contemplating habits, allowing them to become more flimsy, like false refuges do.  the work, the practice, walking in and through.  on the other side of this, is the feeling of everything being an illusion, all the beliefs, all the practices.  sometimes i can zoom out so far, that every attempt to control reality seems silly.  the scorpio full moon tugs on my heart, and asks me to release so deeply into truth, that there is no mind left to control anything.  to know this but not to be able to get there.  to understand but not live it.  there are gaps, and i keep bridging them best i can with the practice, that at some point becomes illusion.  but this doesn’t matter.  what matters is a philosophy that grows corn, and a practice this is consistent, reliable, and one that i am devoted to.  the esoteric wisdom is me on another dimension, raining down tidbits that arouse.  well, the esoteric and the practical, they need to slow dance on an invisible bridge, under this moon, and enjoy their differences.  that’s all.  maybe i am learning how to let go of the sensational, the future daydreaming, the peak experience, being aroused to feel happy, needing my feelings to get jolted upward….and happiness is being replaced with being authentic, transparent and intimate with what is.  i do feel that this transformation, will continue to bring more authentic and challenging love into my life.  the deeper one travels into the here and now, with an open loving heart, the more love can open, the more relationships are not conflicted or a version of projection.  i see jung’s anima and animus so clearly in myself and others.  the image that represents the woman men think they want, plastered all over the media, on every facebook meme about being here now or some other positive affirmation, that lithe bodied, fresh faced, young, white noxema girl with long hair (always long hair) looking soft in nature…for example.  there are way too many images of these women trashing up my page, so this is ranty.  for women, it’s of course not the lithe noxema animus we look for, but it’s some bullshit image of male, usually white, usually with muscles, usually a strong jaw line, and a good fashion sense.  anyhow.  i am so sick of it.  nothing wrong with long hair, muscles, litheness, being white, or whatever surface trait i am speaking of.  it doesn’t matter.  i don’t care that my true love looks a specific way.  he looks handsome because i love him.  i am not seeking an image to fill with my projections.  i am seeking a human man that opens my heart and arouses me from a deeper place.  sure, i am seeking a man who is connected in mind-body, working on himself, who takes care of his physical health.  i take care of me.  but i look nothing like a facebook meme chic.  fuck the image.  yes, i have eyes to see, and enjoy physical beauty, but i know from experience, that when i am in love, does not matter what your specific physical traits are, i will love them and find you handsome, flaws and all.  it’s your smell that turns me on, and your essence merging with mine in an alchemical loving powerful way, that makes you beautiful to me, as my love.  your beauty is a verb, not a noun, and i wish to be the same.  ok….rant over.  monday, hello.